itty bitty jots

Team Mila to Run in M.O.V.E. Manila

2009-06-27T07:50:00.003+08:00

Therese was born 12 years ago, to a couple full of hope and dreams to raise a “family that would be like a small church, a community of love where, by loving our children, we can teach our children the love of God and bring them closer to the Father”. Wawel and Mila Mercado were 10 months into their blissful marriage when Therese came into their world. “Ang sarap ng may baby” (It feels good to have a baby), Mila said, clutching their precious daughter for the first time. Little did they know that those were going to be her last words and the last time she was going to be able to embrace Therese… for after a few minutes, Mila slipped into coma.

Wawel was in a daze, witnessing his beautiful and affectionate wife reduced to someone helpless and unresponsive. Mila suffered a brain injury after childbirth due to amniotic fluid embolism. After 44 grueling days in the hospital, he was able to take home Mila. Although by some miracle, Mila was able to wake up from her comatose state, the brain damage caused her to lose motor control and consequently made her unable to speak, eat, move and care for herself. It was very painful for Wawel to see her in this state. No one deserves to go through such sorrow. Expectedly, he grieved for the loss of the Mila he knew. He felt angry, disillusioned and desperate.

His whole life transformed as he immersed himself in taking care of Mila. He became her main and ultimate care-giver, knowing just about everything there is to know regarding the medical and rehabilitation aspects of caring for her. He struggled with feelings of humiliation and rejection as people viewed them as “being not normal”. It was very difficult and he continuously begged God to grant him the miracle of Mila’s physical healing. Although it was not in God’s master plan to grant him this, God’s blessing came in another form. God gave Wawel the grace of acceptance, and the grace to love Mila as a father would love a child, unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. God gave him the gift of appreciating the simple joys in life - seeing Mila laugh or smile, reading inspirational books to her, and being comforted by praying the holy rosary together. God led them to a community where they felt they belonged, where “God used their presence to touch people, that despite the absence of physical healing, their love allowed others to experience the healing love of marriage.”

When it rains, it pours. God continuously showered them with blessing upon blessing. Therese, who is now 12 years old, has grown to be a very loving and caring child. Even at a young age, she has been Wawel’s partner in helping care for Mila. In more ways than one, Therese is blessed just witnessing Wawel’s unwavering faith and love for Mila.

It was about 6 years ago when Team Mila was formed. Wawel was inspired to join fun races with Mila on a stroller when he learned of a 60 year old man who joins regular races pushing his wheelchair-bound son with cerebral palsy. He ran races with Mila to be able to raise community awareness regarding disability and acceptance for persons with disabilities. They have joined several fun runs as a couple, including the Milo Marathon and Pinay in Action event. He organized a unique race where able-bodied runners paced with wheelchair-bound participants. His special advocacy inspired him to build ramps in churches to make them accessible to persons with disabilities.

Unfortunately, because of Wawel’s foot injury, he stopped running for a while. This summer, upon the prodding of Therese, he started to train again. The invitation to run in the “M.O.V.E Manila Run 09” this July 19, 2009, 5am, at UP Diliman feels like “an answered prayer” for Wawel. He has started running again this summer with an end goal to join a race soon. He believes that “this is a tailor-made event for us. It may be God’s way of telling us to run again.” At the “M.O.V.E Manila Run 09”, Team Mila will be composed of three members – Wawel, Mila and Therese. They will run with wheelchair athletes, persons with various disabilities as well as with able-bodied runners. The benefit run caps the celebration of the 31st National Disability Prevention and Rehabilitation Week. It supports the Philippine Academy of Rehabilitation Medicine (PARM) Fund for the Needy Disabled.

Team Mila continues to dream and hope… to live and believe… that God runs the race with them.

(Registration details for “M.O.V.E. Manila Run 09” are available at www.takbo.ph. Those interested to sponsor wheelchair athletes may call the PARM Secretariat 4159048, 09194138852)

beyond the flu and meds

2008-11-06T09:46:00.007+08:00

what a terrible feeling to be down with what i think is the worst flu i ever had. i'm on my fourth day now and still feeling weak, a tad better, but still weak. i have been absent from work for the past three days and i can't do much at home. but today at least, i'm okay enough to blog.

for the first two days, arianna was down with me. we were febrile together and feeling useless together, lying down in our germ-filled room. of course i didn't want arianna to be sick but being sick with her made the situation more tolerable, as i am sure she felt being sick with me was better than being sick alone. we tried to shoot our used tissue paper into the same waste basket between our beds. we took our medications together. we encouraged each other to get up for each meal. together, we were glued to cnn until obama was proclaimed first african-american president. we watched this defining moment in history together. certainly, it made the experience easier to bear.

fortunately, the boys in our family were strong enough to resist the flu bug. they had to sleep in a another room separate from ours. gary got some sniffles but didn't have to miss work. and roque kept wondering why i was taking such a long time to recover. i'm just so thankful for having them around. just yesterday morning, arianna complained of headache and without thinking twice, gary spread some liniment into his hands and massaged arianna's forehead, temples and scalp, as if not rushing to leave for work. roque, on the otherhand, checked up on us when he got home from school, "are you better yet?". the other night, he looked for my medicines and made sure i got them. last night, he continued to hug me across my tummy as i lay down even if i warned him not to stay too near me. "i want to sleep beside you already, can i?"

arianna is back in school today. and i woke up without fever this morning.

adrenalin rush

2008-10-14T22:27:00.004+08:00

my new passion
heel strike
then push off
my heart pumps
fast then slow
each second
stretching to minutes
each stride
stretching to kilometers
great adrenalin rush

#1 fan

2008-09-24T16:27:00.005+08:00

my husband showed me this scribble on two half sheets of bond paper, pasted together. obviously it was something from our six year old son, roque, seeing the writing and how the pieces stuck to each other. it read:

" i am your #1 fan ate, even if i am your brother. :) go ate!"

it was such a sweet thing to write, really. when i asked him when and what he wrote it for, roque said it was the day before, while his ate arianna was playing guitar hero on the wii. she was so good at it.

when i asked him what he meant by "even if i am your brother", he said "nothing". oh well, i guess he didn't really want to tell me or he didn't have any particular explanation. but of course, i figured that one out and knew exactly what it meant. i have two younger brothers.

though arianna would probably not admit it, as a brother, roque is really such a darling. when he comes with me to do the grocery - which he really loves doing - he never fails to throw into our cart a candy or chocolate (the kind he doesn't even like!) for his ate. he will excitedly do things for her as she asks him to, without even thinking that he is at times being abused - just like how younger siblings often are by the older ones. yes, i was guilty of that, too. but i wasn't too successful during those years... i remember one time, roque was saving his jolly hotdog to savor it when he gets home. to my pleasant surprise, he shared it with his ate that night. and it wasn't even because she asked to have some of it. it was he who asked her if she wanted some. :) and it was not even just a bite or two he shared with her. it was half of the whole precious jolly hotdog. :D

i wish my brothers were like him at his age. i'm your #1 fan, roque.

service by the invisible

2008-09-04T07:38:00.013+08:00

"Love through me love of God,
Make me like thine clean air
Through which unhindered colors pass
As though it were not there."

i forget who wrote this beautiful quote shared during a women's retreat i attended last weekend. all i know is that these words, so clear and intense, came through my ears and stayed there between my ears, repeating and repeating in a cycle just like a song stuck in my mind the whole day. it was in the context of service... giving it, and receiving it, wherein this quote was shared. it was the core of the retreat for me.

service is a big word. it may be threatening to those who take it seriously. it is uplifting when done wonderfully. giving service connotes having concern for others, willingness, responsibility, hard work, dedication, diligence, time, patience.

when my husband and i were called to serve in the children's formation of our community, i thought of it as an opportunity and as a gift. i have always wanted to be a pre-school teacher but circumstances led me to become a doctor instead. i don't regret being one because i also consider that role in itself a special opportunity and a precious gift. but being a sunday school teacher to my children and other people's children gives me a lot of joy - a joy different from the fulfillment i experience as a doctor. it was as if god answered a prayer i had decades ago. better late than never. i have realized that god's reasons and timing are perfect all the time.

it has been about 7 years now since we were called to serve and i must admit that although it has been an uplifting experience, there have been some challenging times also. it is difficult when children get rowdy, inattentive or uncooperative. there have been quite a few instances when in the usual busy-ness of our day jobs, we find ourselves cramming to prepare activities just the night before our sunday encounter with the children.

when things go extremely well despite the challenges we face, we can't help but pat ourselves on the back. when we see how the children are having fun as they increase their awareness of god in their lives, we feel great about ourselves and our service. and we really feel proud when other people recognize our efforts and literally give us a pat on the back.

the quote which keeps ringing in my mind makes me deeply analyze why i am serving. it prods me to ask myself if all of this is for self-gratification. it is an answered prayer... i feel joy when i am with children... it is an opportunity to use my abilities... it is a convenient outlet through which my creative juices could flow... i feel good doing something good.

days after the retreat, the quote has not stopped ringing in my mind. it has become a constant reminder for me about how service ought to be, making me realize that humility is an integral part of real service. it has become a prayer to try to make myself invisible in service. for truly, it is not about us or what we do. it is about god who gave us this opportunity to serve. it is about him who works through us. i should really try to remember that i am but his vessel. it is his doing, not mine. i hear the quote telling me - the more invisible i am, the more i allow his complete, unadulterated greatness and glory to shine forth.

the family hug

2008-08-21T18:46:00.004+08:00

what it's all about.
pushing 10 years this year.

thanks to wordle.

26 years and counting

2008-08-07T22:31:00.006+08:00

was that just 26 years that went by?

it seemed just like yesterday.
it's so true time zooms by
when you are having fun
building dreams together.
most times he leads,
at times i do,
but all the time side by side.
and so we look back to this day
through more than half of the years
we have lived so far
to still celebrate
the 26 years of friendship
and counting...

45 years and counting

2008-08-06T07:23:00.019+08:00

03 August 1963 St Augustine Cathedral
Montreal, Quebec

thank you mom and dad
for showing us how
to fulfill our dreams together
just as you did
these past 45 years
and counting...

on the move

2008-07-08T07:39:00.004+08:00

In celebration of National Disability Prevention & Rehabilitation Week

we are on the move
with renewed energy
with greater sense of purpose
inspired by patients we have helped
driven by our youthful spirit.

we are on the move
in appreciation of all those working
not only to add years to life
but also of those striving
to add life to years.

it is about the people who treat-
rehab doctors and therapists
armed with technical skills and knowledge
aspiring to achieve what they were made for.

it is about the people we treat
who are motivated and guided
led by our hand to move with us
then empowered to move without us.

it is about their hands
which try to grasp and manipulate
equipment, tools and toys.
every movement is a step closer
to independence.

it is about our hands, both gentle and firm
through which our Creator works.
we move together
towards their dreams
which have become our own.

when disability strikes, a challenge is given.
it may strengthen or weaken the patients' will.
disability will not overcome them
unless they give up.
we have to make sure they don't.

ninong b

2008-06-24T22:04:00.011+08:00

the past four days and nights have been physically exhausting but indescribably emotionally overwhelming and spiritually uplifting.

my dear ninong benny was laid to rest last friday, with all his loved ones around him. and then for the next few days and nights thereafter, more of his extended family and friends from near and far, came to be with him... to pay respect, to thank him, to praise him, to honor him... what better way to "pass on" to the next life. i hate the term "pass away" because it connotes one is going away, never again to be seen, felt or remembered. for ninong most especially, this is not the way it will be. his person and how he lived his life is the kind that will never ever be forgotten.

he is a lot of different things to so many people. but a common thread that runs through these different things is his sincere concern and love to share every little bit of what he has... his material wealth, his thoughts and talents, his heart and soul. he does this with so much passion, so much so that i can experience whatever he shares, with all of my five senses - to see, hear, smell, feel, and yes, even taste! just how much passion he has... all the time, walang humpay, walang pagod. he doesn't give until it hurts. he just gives and gives and never seem to hurt.

i may be just one of his countless inaanaks, but i consider him my one and only true ninong. he's the only ninong who saw me grow up, who was there in most significant milestones of my life -- from my birth, to my giving birth -- i would have no one else do my epidurals but him, and i am tickled pink because i know he truly feels no one else should, except him. he is my only ninong who i can talk to about anything at all... from exotic cuisine (of fish eyeballs!), to art appreciation, to medicine (all of its branches!), to career plans and the fulfillment of giving back ("mabuti at umuwi kayo ni gary"), to marriage, to parenting kids and parenting parents, to the many challenges of aging (including sex during that time!), to the anxiety over sickness and death, to the importance of prayer and spiritual life. come to think of it -- you name them, we most probably have talked about them. i have gotten advice, sometimes amusing but always sound, in many occasions... and so have i received his sincere approval and warm affirmation for other aspects in my life which he feels i have done well in. he is my only ninong who was openly affectionate and made sure i knew he cared for me, taking to heart the role of being second father with the way he related to me.

i feel extra-special, being on the ringside, my whole life, witnessing this passion of his for life -- at times perplexed where it was coming from, sometimes overwhelmed by it, oftentimes inspired by it, all the time awed by it, and forever will be thankful for it.

ninong benny, i am deeply grateful and truly honored to have you in my life. it will certainly not be the same without your physical presence, but whenever i think about you, i will certainly feel your passion for life, which will remind me of how i should live my own and continue to strive to achieve what "i was created for".

dad rocks

2008-06-18T11:18:00.008+08:00

one of the most memorable father's day celebrations we had happened last sunday. gary and i take care of the children's formation in ligaya ng panginoon, a catholic charismatic community and i thought it was pretty cool to have the children, our own and of others too, do something to honor their fathers on this special day.

scribbles on the neon heart cut-outs pasted on river stones proclaim "dad rocks". and attached to each of these paperweights is the child's personalized note saying "i love you dad because.....

... when you come home from work, you always bring me a prize." - chin, 7
... you take care of me when i am sick." - seth, 6
... you work very hard to keep us alive." - joshua, 10
... i love you." - roque, 6

photoshopping

2008-06-07T20:45:00.003+08:00

this is what my crazy talented arianna made for me.

conscience

2008-06-04T00:20:00.004+08:00

this afternoon, while we were at work today, my son roque, called my husband gary on his mobile.

roque: dad, there was an accident.
dad: why? what is it? what happened?
roque: uh... um... i accidentally broke something.
dad: what was it?
roque: it's this thing-with-a-hand.
dad: what thing? how?

roque: i was jumping on lolo's bed. and i accidentally stepped on it. i accidentally broke it.

after describing what that thing-with-a-hand was, gary finally understood that it was lolo's wooden back-scratcher.

roque: it was an accident, dad. i accidentally stepped on it.

dad: that's ok. but that's lolo's so you have to tell him about it and say sorry to him, ok?

roque: ok... but can you be with me later when i tell him?
dad: sure.

so gary came home and roque showed him the fractured back-scratcher. together, they waited for lolo to get out of the shower. when he did, roque attempted to hand over the painful evidence to gary, quietly hoping gary would help him out on this. but gary told him he had to do it himself.

roque: lolo... uh... um... i accidentally broke this.
lolo: what's that?
roque: it's your back-scratcher.
lolo: oh, how did it get broken?

roque: i was jumping on your bed and i accidentally stepped on it. i'm sorry, it was an accident.

lolo: ah, that's ok.

roque smiled quite relieved. gary was happy and proud of his brave little boy.

lavender mat

2008-05-11T23:50:00.012+08:00

i read a feature at the lifestyle section of the newspaper about a special mother-and-child yoga session for mother's day. and so i thought, what an interesting way to celebrate the mother's day weekend doing that with my daughter. i was not sure if she would agree but thankfully, she was game.

but wait, i didn't even have a yoga mat. so i go texting a couple of my yoga-fanatic friends who have been forever encouraging me to try yoga. and they were only to happy to tell me where to get one... a nice and reasonably-priced one. in no time, i was off to the mall, checked out three shops before finally being satisfied with a nike mat, lavender on the top side, purple on the bottom... good grip, with down-the-middle stitching to make sure one's body is aligned well, comfy, with a tielock-cum-carrystrap. i didn't really know what qualities to look for but what the heck, it looked nice enough. and the clincher, it was on sale! that cool-looking lavender mat screamed it was meant to be.

about 15 or so mother-and-child teams showed up for the special lesson. for beginners like myself and arianna, it was a pretty good experience. aside from learning the different poses, we also learned we lacked flexibility. ooh... the hamstrings, and the gastrocs, and the lower back stretches... ooh! we could not do the partner poses all that well, almost falling as we desperately tried to get up from the mat, with our backs against each other... we just couldn't - i guess our butts were too heavy! and again, we failed to put our legs up to form an inverted-V while facing each other, arms clasped, trying to balance on our butts. despite all these, the experience was enjoyable. it was worth the excitement of trying out something new together. and the giggling and secret laughs we exchanged between us. it was a unique and happy mother's day celebration on our nice, comfy lavender mat.

thirteen and her own

2008-04-17T23:00:00.001+08:00

my oh my, i am now a mom with a teenager. yes, arianna turned thirteen today! gosh, i am so not prepared. i wish i read all those books on parenting teenagers. but my friends say that although those may probably have given me some confidence, as if having ammunition while going to war, those will never prepare me enough. nor make me feel i am prepared enough. still, i would have wanted some ammunition.

so i plunge into this next phase because there really is no choice, is there?

arianna is our one and only daughter, and i wish her nothing but the best. as i look ahead with uncertainty, i look back at the times when she brought us tears of joy just going through milestone after milestone with her. i also look back at the times when she brought me tears of exasperation and frustration, albeit unknowingly and without meaning to. those were the times i may have been quite over-protective, something i am learning to be less of. and those were the times i may also have been expecting too much, like wishing she was more athletic and less into finger-sports... more friendly and less shy... more demonstrative and less constrained... more gregarious and less quiet... more competitive and less laid-back...

i look at her now at thirteen... artistic, intuitive, sensitive, insightful, content... i realize how she has grown unto her own.

i pray that i wish not more whatever and less whatever. i pray that i be able to understand her and to always keep an open mind, to not be too quick to judge her and to always be patient, to not expect and push her to be what she is not and to always be encouraging, to accept and to always love her unconditionally. dear god, please grant me these ammunitions, not in preparation for war, but in anticipation of peace... peace of mind and heart and the grace to not lose sight of your plan, and to be the kind of mother you chose to selflessly care for this unique gift of a child. amen.

i have been quiet because...

2008-04-13T07:58:00.003+08:00

i have been quiet because i have been ultra busy with no time to sit down and blog. correction, i had lots of time to sit. and i even sat in front of the computer until the wee hours of the morning. but it was to prepare for the first ever neurorehabilitation convention (an international one at that!) which was held in cebu. i must say it turned out really well though, a good scientific program and great socials with the help of our cebu colleages. all our hardwork and sleepless nights paid off but whew!!!!! my battle cry is never again! i have had my fill of that for a lifetime. but why do i hear my husband saying. "hmmmm..... let's see. tell me about it!"

well, it's been one helluva two-month break from blogging. the best thing that happened about the convention though was that in the end, gary, arianna and roque followed and we all trooped to bantayan island for a much-awaited, wonderful, restful break!

bantayan is an island off the northern tip of cebu. we travelled by plane (to get to cebu), bus (no aircon!!), ferry, jeep (with a chicken!), tricycle (with a driver who looked like an abusayaf), trisikad (a tricycle hybrid with a bike instead of a motor bike attached to the passenger bubble). and walked and walked and walked across the beautiful island. it was marvelous.

and that's the reason why i have been quiet all along!

i want to be alive

2008-01-29T21:01:00.000+08:00

when does a child grasp the real meaning of death?

it was just me and my son roque at the dinner table tonight when he asked me, "what do people do in heaven?"

i said, "well... they probably sing with the angels or play. it's a happy place."

"but the people there are old," he said. i knew he thought that people only die when they get old and then they go to heaven.

"no," i said, "not all people in heaven are old."

he thought about it for a while, i guess trying to understand what i just said. i was not sure if he realized just then that not just old people die. and then he said, "i don't want to die even if i'm old. even if i'm 100 years old, i still want to be alive."

"well... super lolo was alive until he was 105 years old, remember?" i reminded him. "so you really can still be alive at 100."

he paused to think long again, and then he asked, "are you gonna be dead soon?"

"no, i don't think so. i hope not.... why do you ask?" i asked.

"nothing," he said, putting his head near mine and closing his eyes real tight, holding back his tears, while giving me a momentary hug.

"of course not, i won't die yet," i reassured him... in my mind, i thought, "if it is at all humanly possible, i want to be alive with you by the time you reach 100."

surprise!

2008-01-04T22:58:00.000+08:00

somehow my son roque's birthday, which falls on january 4th, gets lost in the craziness of the holiday season. except for his first birthday wherein everything was in every sense a children's party, complete with balloons, games, prizes, catered buffet, animal show and lootbags, the other birthday celebrations were not typical parties. and shoot me, it's because i get so busy with the holidays and find myself suddenly face to face with january 4th, unprepared. again and again and again, for the past 4 years.

this year, i vowed to be prepared. i thought it was simple enough to celebrate his 6th birthday in school -- bring lunch to share in class, cake, ice cream and lootbags for all his classmates and teachers. so right after christmas last year, we bought all the stuff we needed for the school party, printed out the invitations to be given first day of school, and prepared all the lootbags with roque. except for the fact that his birthday celebration was going to be on the 9th instead of the 4th (which was perfectly okay with roque since their first day back to school is on the 7th), the celebration is going to be organized this year.

or so i thought.

yesterday, the day before his actual birthday, when i came home from work, roque excitedly announced to me, "i invited three of my friends from the park to my party tomorrow."

"what?!!" i asked, "what party tomorrow?"
"january 4, remember?!!" with a tone enough to make me feel guilty thinking i forgot his special day.
"yes, i know it's january 4 tomorrow... but didn't we decide your party was going to be in school next week?"

"but tomorrow is my birthday and i already invited them," he argued, which yaya mayann confirmed he did.

"oh wow," i sighed to myself, resigned with the thought that it can't be that bad preparing merienda for three kids tomorrow. i can even make three extra lootbags. yes, it will be just a short merienda in the afternoon, and the kids can go back to the park and play afterwards. so i agreed to have the little get-together to celebrate his birthday on the actual date of his birth.

"can we print out the invitations?" he asked.
"but they're only three kids and you already told them, right?" i said.
"yes, but maybe i should invite paolo and arton, margaux and martina. and yes, elijah and calli, too."

and so the list grew to five girls and five boys, including him. so okay, we printed out the invitations which he planned to deliver to the kids' houses early in the morning. he even made an actual guest list which he ticked as each kid confirmed the following day.

at exactly 4 pm today, the kids came trickling in. we put the wii on for entertainment as an after thought and it was an instant hit. the hula hoop was put to good use too. and so was the plastic bowling set, some stuff toys and the play construction workstation. the living room was like a war zone with the kids talking-shouting, playing, laughing-shrieking all at the same time. the simple merienda-then-go-play-in-the-park plan turned into a riot of a party from 4pm till 8pm. the kids didn't want to leave even after the lootbags were handed out! my husband thought it was a subtle but sure way of saying "party's over kids" with a thought bubble "it's time for us to rest and finally have some peace and quiet". well, he's never been more wrong.

roque had planned his party to happen as it did. and what a surprise party it was for me. except that it wasn't really for me. after all the kids have gone home, he said, "that was a really fun party! i had lots of fun! really!..... thanks mom, thanks dad." and then he reminded me, "i have another one in school next week, right?"

holiday greetings

2007-12-25T17:23:00.000+08:00

maligayang
pasko
at
mapayapang
bagong
taon
from
our
family
to
yours!

our family christmas picture photoshopped by arianna :>

squeeze of hope

2007-11-27T21:37:00.000+08:00

i was totally unprepared for what i witnessed today as i did a consult on a patient admitted at the intensive care unit for multiple injuries.

as a matter of habit and practice, i first introduce myself to the patient and family members or caregivers in the room. after a brief exchange of pleasantries, i explain why i am there as well as the role of rehabilitation in the current management of the patient. and then i proceed with my evaluation before setting goals and running through the rehab treatment plan with them. it's pretty straightforward and i leave the room just as i came in, as any another doctor called to assist in the patient's care.

i think the last time i was moved to tears while taking care of a patient was when i was an intern rotating in the oncology service of the pediatric ward. back then, our group helped take care of children with cancer. it was difficult not to cry as the mother of a bald, frail, dying child related her fears and anxieties to me. but that was such a loooong time ago and i don't remember being that affected anymore. age, time and repeated exposure to many patients somehow did that to me. plus the fact that i know, as doctors, we are expected to be a source of strength and hope.

not until today. as i was about to end the consult, i asked if the family had any questions for me. my patient, who couldn't speak out because of his tracheostomy tube, communicated with me by scribbling on his daughter's pad, "doctor, doctor, will i die?"

to that, his daughter and sister laughed at what seemed such a silly question to ask, saying "of course not. no my darling, do not cry," his daughter answered, caressing his chest. i just laughed with them as it seemed he was joking.

then he continued to scribble, "you know i was in the same accident wherein my wife died." his face grimaced in pain, so severe, it seemed physical. the rest of us in the room was taken aback, unprepared for what we have just read, speechless.

his daughter could only plead, "dad, dad. tama na," as she hugged him.

i could just blurt out, trying to reassure him, "you know, sir, there is a reason why you are alive and have gotten this far." with a cracking voice, i felt i lacked conviction.

but his sister said in agreement, "and she is the reason," pointing to his daughter.

again, he scribbles, "but i cannot understand. i was there with her but i was not even able to help or protect her." his soundless sobbing rang loud in our ears.

and his daughter said, "dad, we all know that if you could, you would have done everything to do just that." another grimace, of even more intense pain, as he grasped his daughter's hand tightly, pounding his chest with it as if to say, it's too painful.

through my lumpy throat, i manage, "mahirap po talaga maintindihan at tanggapin ang mga nangyari. masakit kasi wala na po siya at hindi na ninyo siya nakikita, pero palagay ko sinusubaybayan niya kayo palagi. gusto niya kayong gumaling. isipin po ninyo na siya ay kakampi ninyo sa taas."

he looked at me and i didn't know whether he understood or he believed what i said. and i was afraid i might have said the wrong thing at the wrong time. he grimaced again but he squeezed my hand so tightly and nodded. so i squeezed his hand back just as tightly, "kaya ninyo yan." this time with more conviction.

baseball mom

2007-11-18T09:42:00.000+08:00

i'm now a baseball (teeball, actually) mom. tuesday afternoons practice. saturday mornings game.

congratulations to roque's team for winning their very first game last saturday! whee! good job kids! and to all the other stage moms and dads, more power and thanks for the encouragement and support.

today

2007-10-19T07:24:00.000+08:00

and so the inevitable happened today... at 5 years, 9 months, 2 weeks and one day.

i have been driving my son roque to the meeting place of his school carpool daily for the past three months now. and today, before we went out of the house, he asked me, "mom, can i have my kiss now?" and i asked him, "why?" i always kiss him goodbye when i drop him off the carpool meeting place, where five other kids and their yayas wait.

"because," he says. "because what?" i asked, and further, "because you don't want your friends to see me kiss you?" and then silence for a few seconds...

"no, not that," he says. "eh, what?" i prodded.

"nothin'," he answers. "nothing? what do you mean nothing?" i followed up.

"just nothin'," he smiles. "so maybe it's because you don't love mom anymore," i fished.

"no!" he denies firmly. "are you embarrassed? do the boys tease you?" i asked. and then silence again, but longer this time.

"ok, nevermind," i agreed, and planted a sniffy-kiss on his head before we left the house.

"do you still love mom?" i asked. "yes, i love you," he says, as we walked to the car.

i understood perfectly why and i know this stage would come. i just didn't expect it to come this early, as he turned 5 years, 9 months, 2 weeks and 1 day.

while in the car on the way to the carpool meeting place, we prayed as usual. i prayed aloud as he listened. "dear god, thank you for this day. we pray that roque and his ate will have a fun day in school today. thank you for their teachers and classmates. keep them safe as always." i would have ended there with an our father and a hail mary but this time, i felt i had to seize the moment. and so i continued, "thank you dear god for giving me roque. thank you for making him a loving boy, even if he doesn't want his friends to see me kiss him." just then, i heard him let out an exasperated sigh. and i went on, "i still love him and i know he still loves me." and as i was still inspired by the song in mama aly's post, i added, "let him remember that i will always be here for him and also for his ate no matter what because i love them both very very much. amen."

we ended just in time and i had to let him get off the car. i guess he knew i would still kiss him anyway so he put his head down lower than the dashboard, unseen by the teasing eyes of his friends. a compromise, he probably figured. well, any which way is good enough for me and so i sniffy-kiss him again secretly before he got out of the car. "thanks, mom."

arrf-arrf!

2007-10-05T07:24:00.000+08:00

promised my daughter i'd feature anya, our mini schnauzer, in one of my posts.

i'm not a dog-person, nor a cat-person. i remember in one "seinfeld" episode, the characters were discussing that one is either a dog- or a cat-person and that how being such should affect choosing one's partner because couples have to be compatible in that aspect, too. jeez! gary's a dog-person and i'm neither. so i guess we're ok because that's certainly better than him marrying a cat-person.

i imagine gary's dog-person genes are dominant-recessive and i probably have recessive-recessive dog-person genes. assuming that is the case and that the dog-person characteristic is genetically transmitted, this explains why half of our offsprings is a dog-person, arianna, and the other half is a neither, roque (Dd + dd = Dd, Dd, dd, dd) ..... i can't believe i still remember my basic genetics after all these years!

when our house dog, kiwi, died last year, arianna longed to have another dog. she decided she wanted to have a mini schnauzer after researching about different breeds. gary and arianna searched far and wide to look for a nice one and when they found anya, it was love at first sight. upon reading through anya's pedigree, we found out that anya's paternal great grandmother was named arianna! it was fate...

well, dog-person or not dog-person, i must agree that our little anya is super-duper cute. here she is in her latest photo shoot by arianna.

my 5 year old loves

2007-09-23T19:20:00.000+08:00

early this morning, roque showed me something he wrote on his notebook. he loves writing stuff like jokes for me to read and riddles for me to answer. or short notes like little reminders for me to do.

this time, the page with red and blue scribbles read:
i LOVE MY FAMILY
ALSO MY FRiENDS
AND ALSO MY CLASSMATTES
I LOVE EVERYBODY
IN PHiLiPPINES AND ASIA
♥ ROQUE

i found his jot heartwarming and i told him to let dad read it too. "what about the states and canada?" gary asked, pertaining to relatives living there.

"oh yes, i forgot to write new zealand too," roque said, thinking of tito randy. and after a split second he said, "but they're family anyway. and i already wrote i LOVE MY FAMILY."

four eyes

2007-09-10T17:59:00.000+08:00

it was as if my eyes knew i turned forty. suddenly, it was difficult reading the finest of fine print. i had to put the material at arm's length from my eyes so the words would be clearer. later, even the letters on my celfone got blurry. and still much later, some signs which my husband could read clearly with his glasses, i couldn't read anymore unless i squint a bit.

my husband, who's an ophthalmologist, said to wait a little longer before i use reading glasses. why he said that, i really don't know. he said something like if it's not thaaaat difficult for me to read, not to use reading glasses yet because once i do, it will be progressively difficult to be without them.

as everybody knows, reading glasses or no reading glasses, the vision deteriorates anyway. of course mine was no different. and so finally after two years of intermittently complaining -- talk about being on his patients' waiting list -- my husband got down to refracting my eyes.

choosing the frame is another story. for my small face, it was extremely hard to find a frame that fits. they were either too wide, or generally too big. i was sort of in between pediatric specs and adult specs. but, after going through numerous stores to try out countless frames, voila! here it is...my husband thinks it's funky. my daughter thinks it's cool. my son thinks it makes me look like his classmate's mom... say what!???! the guys at work say it makes me look younger. well, i'm just happy it's comfy and i don't look too goofy with it.......... or do i?

opportunities

2007-09-02T08:53:00.000+08:00

i am not a movie or tv freak unlike the rest of my brood and so watching a movie in a real theater is rare for me. the times we watch a movie as a family in a year is less than the number of fingers in my one hand. yesterday was an unplanned thing, my brood fetched me at work after which we were supposed to go to sportscamp at the fort to register roque into the illam baseball league. halfway there, i realized the registration schedule was not until next saturday. that's the problem about juggling home, kids, leisure, work schedules. in my desire to get all of them going like clockwork and not miss out on anything, one thing gets scheduled earlier than it should... oh well! since we were along ayala avenue, nearing greenbelt, arianna jumped at the perfect opportunity to suggest that we watch "evan almighty" instead. dad and roque promptly seconded and thirded the motion, of course. clearly outnumbered and not having any contingency plans right at that moment, ok, i agreed. this was movie #2 for me with the family for the whole year.

it was a pretty good film. i didn't fall asleep. not that my falling asleep is a sign that the film is bad. i truly enjoyed it for the light entertainment and the deep insights. in a capsule, it reminded me that when we pray for blessings which we need or want from god, he doesn't always give us exactly what we need or want but instead gives us opportunities to get what we pray for.

god has always been granting me blessings. he doesn't stop. and a lot of times, he grants me exactly what i pray for. but there have also been times when i don't get what i asked for and those i most often see as unanswered prayers because i probably don't deserve them anyway. when i get to really think about some of those instances, i realize god was just sending me the blessings in a different form. i pray for patience, and he gives me a secretary whose performance falls short of my expectations at work so that i can strive to be more patient. i pray for compassion when i treat my patients, and he gives me "difficult" patients with relatives who are not supportive so that i realize that my compassion is all the more needed. i pray for a comfortable life, and he gives me and my husband lots of work to do so we can make a good living and provide for our children. i pray for my children to love learning, and he gives them challenging tasks in school so that they will strive to study harder and be inspired to learn more when their efforts are acknowledged. i pray that i will be a good wife and mother, and he gives me a whole lot of responsibilities outside the home to heighten my need to consciously spend time with my family. he also gives me that extra time and strength to spare so that i can use them to make my family top priority.

dear god, thank you for granting me the blessings i exactly pray for and those disguised as opportunities to be able to get the blessings i need and want. i know i only have to ask and i shall receive the blessings in whatever form you give them to me. amen.

masarap at matamis

2007-08-22T23:18:00.000+08:00

nagkataon lang na buwan ng wika ngayon.

sa bahay namin kung saan ako lumaki, pilipino ang salita namin. iyan ang kinagisnan ko. diyan ako sanay na magsalita at magkwento. nag-iba lang nga sa pagdaan ng mga taon dahil sa pangangailangan sa pag-aaral, mga kaibigan, at sa trabaho. ingles na ang malimit na ginagamit ko ngayon. pero hindi ko naman nakakalimutan ang mag-pilipino. isa nga sa mga frustration ko ay hindi masyadong marunong magsalita ng pilipino ang mga anak ko. pinay at pinoy sila sa lahat ng bagay pwera sa pagsasalita. kasalanan ko na hindi ko sila sinanay. ngayon, naghahabol kami. kasi sayang naman talaga.

noong isang gabi lang naisip kong tunay na maganda ang ating wika. nagmaneho ako papuntang meeting namin ni gary dahil medyo matamlay siya. habang nakatigil kami sa trapik, tumawag sa celfone niya ang isang pasyente. tila ooperahan siya ng ibang doktor at marami siyang mga tanong para kay gary. mukhang nag-aalinlangan sa nalalapit niyang operasyon. tila gusto niya na nandoon din si gary kahit na hindi siya ang mag-oopera sa kanya. pilipino ang usapan nila. derechong nagsalita si gary at walang bahid ng ingles ang mga sagot niya. madaming po at opo. matunog. nakakatuwa. masarap pakinggan.

iyan ang hindi namin mararanasan kung sa ibang bansa kami nagtratrabaho. iba siyempre. ingles ang usapan doon. madali lang naman yon. kung tutuusin, mas madali ngang sa ingles ipaliwanag ang mga sakit o operasyon o gamutan na gagawin namin sa mga pasyente namin. pero sa totoo lang, mas masarap ang makipag-usap sa wika natin, lalo na sa mga pasyenteng sanay din mag-pilipino. naaalala ko yung mga pagkakataong ganoon. parang mas maliwanag ang usapan. parang mas may saysay ang kanilang naririnig. at ganoon din ang nararamdaman ko habang naririnig ko ang aking sariling makipag-usap. sa wika natin, hindi lang naririnig ang mga salita. parang nakikitang nangyayari ang pinag-uusapan. hindi masyadong pormal. kuhang-kuha ang damdaming dala ng mga salita. gaya ng pag-aalinlangan at pagmamalasakit, na sinusundan naman ng pagkapanatag ng loob. pagkatapos ay ang pagpapasalamat na nagmumula sa puso. damang-dama iyon lahat. at tunay namang kay tamis na marinig at maramdaman iyon.

"story" by roque mercado

2007-08-19T11:16:00.000+08:00

THERE
WAS A BOY WHO'S
NAME iS ROQUE
AND HE WAS BUMP
BY A CAR
AND HE BECAME FLAT
iN THE HoSPiTAL
HE WAS
EATiNG BEANS
AND HE
BECAME
A ROKET
AND HE WAS HiS
SELF

THE
END

hmmm..... a little bit of action, a little bit of drama, a little bit of comedy, and a little bit of sci-fi, with a great ending... all the ingredients to make a blockbuster movie!

home

2007-08-15T00:29:00.000+08:00

"mom, you're here! i missed you!" (tight belly hug and sniffy-kiss)

thank you lord for simple joys like this, which takes away the weariness of a long day's work. i think i so deserve it.

and yet another one

2007-07-24T08:24:00.001+08:00

and so after four years of waiting for their papers to be in order, my brother-in-law ryan, with his wife tricia, and their two kids vino and sofia, finally left the other day to migrate to canada.

throughout the past couple of years, some of our family and friends have fled our country for good. i should be getting used to this but i'm not. i understand why all of them want out but can't help feeling terrible that they have lost all hope in our country.

the major regret i have with ryan and family's leaving is that our kids will not be able to grow up together. all four cousins, arianna, vino, roque and sofia, were born here. they have bonded so much with each other since they were babies. arianna and vino play games on-line while roque and sofia chit-chat on the phone. it's usually vino who calls arianna to go on-line and play, "hello ate arianna, go to your computer, let's play." and it's usually roque who calls sofia on the phone, "hello, this is roque. is sofia there?... hi sofia." whenever we visit the ancestral home in caloocan where their cousins live, they would play and play and play all day and all night until they fall asleep. usually it would be arianna or roque dozing off while their energizer bunny-like cousins play on until almost midnight. and that was exactly how it was as we watched ryan and tricia pack their stuff into boxes two nights before their flight.

during their despedida, arianna gave vino a keychain as a little remembrance. it was a carabao head made out of carabao horn. how so pinoy. and to it, she attached a laminated message which read, "psst... you're pinoy. be proud." i was so proud of her because her message says she's so pinoy and she's proud to be one.

while in the airport waiting for boarding, ryan phoned gary to say everything went well with checking-in their seven balikbayan boxes and one huge luggage, say thank you for the baon we gave, and say goodbye. roque, of course, wanted to speak to sofia. he talked animatedly on the phone, telling her that when he went to new zealand last summer, he had his own tv monitor in the airplane. then sofia had to go. before hanging up, roque said "bye, sofia." and after sofia hung up, i heard roque say to himself, still holding the phone to his ear, "bye..... bye.... bye". no tears, but just a repeated sad "bye-bye" softly to himself.

the kids echoed exactly how we felt. roque's goodbye was like ours, sad but without tears. we hugged as we bid them, "goodbye, ingat." to which they answered, "ok, bisita kayo." arianna's message expressed what we wanted to say out loud but didn't. it is a reminder not just for vino, but for their whole family. we hope they never ever forget or be ashamed of who they really are.

lovelier the second time around

2007-07-12T00:55:00.000+08:00

the first time was 25 years ago.
and i was just sending him postcards then.
but paris was lovelier the second time around.

somehow the colors against the sky were more vivid.
somehow the city bustled with much more excitement.
somehow the ancient structures came to life.
somehow the scent of the seine always lingered fresh.
somehow the music of beethoven played continously in my head.
somehow the food was much more flavorful.
somehow the energy to explore was endless.
somehow the days were just never ever enough.
somehow the nights were more romantic than ever.

because this time i was with no one else but him,
my best friend, soul mate, life partner, lover.

that is why paris was lovelier the second time around.

if you care to

2007-06-15T17:25:00.000+08:00

tripped on this list in another blogger's post. i thought it was interesting to find out from those who know me... if you care to fill in the blanks... and by the way, you don't have to think too hard...

1. i ____ freckleface.

2. freckleface is ____.

3. if i were alone in a room with freckleface, i would _____.

4. i think freckleface should _____.

5. freckleface needs ______.

6. i want to ______ freckleface.

7. someday freckleface will ________.

8. freckleface reminds me of _______.

9. without freckleface__________.

10. memories of freckleface are ________.

11. freckleface can be __________.

12. worst thing about freckleface is _________.

13. the best thing about freckleface is _________.

14. i am ________ with freckleface.

two for the long road

2007-06-11T06:18:00.000+08:00

more and more, god shows me that he has a hand in absolutely everything we do. as my husband and i were driving late friday night to attend a couples' weekend retreat in tagaytay, i related to him that i will miss a baby shower party the following day because of this weekend retreat, which was meant to make our marriage last longer. "oh, is that what it will be all about?" he asked. and i realized just then that he was clueless as to what i told him to free this weekend for. and yet he still agreed to go. just how amazing is that? i also realized that he was already a follower of one of the most important teachings about husbands and wives before we even got to hear it emphasized in the retreat... "wives must be submissive to husbands..." (1 Peter 3:1). except that it was the other way around! heh-heh!

two for the long road, the title of the retreat reads. it is indeed the two of us for the long road. no ifs, no buts. we remembered how it was when we met for the very first time twenty-five years ago in the girls athletic league competition held in la salle greenhills. i was a cheerleader and he was girl-watching like the rest of the guys. he noticed my freckles and i thought he was kinda cute. we remembered our first date where i wore my "annie" shirt, and he wore his "mickey mouse" shirt. there were lots of things that we said and did which endeared us to each other through our pre-med, then med school years. and just about everything we said and did was exciting including all the ups and downs in our relationship leading to the day we made a commitment to god to be together till death do us part. as one of our readings goes, "submit yourselves to one another because of your reverence for christ. wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as to the lord. for a husband has authority over his wife just as christ has authority over his church; and christ is himself the savior of the church, his body. and so wives must submit themselves completely to their husbands just as the church submits itself to christ. husbands, love your wives just as christ loved the church and gave his life for it.' (Eph 5:21-25). that was thirteen years ago.

two for the long road. thirteen years is long but not that long. in fact, it feels very short, which we think is good more than bad. time flies when you are having fun. time also flies when you are very busy. i would like to think that it is the fun more that the busy-ness which makes our thirteen years feel very short. but yes, it is certainly both. we are busy being parents to our two energetic and adorable kids. we are busy with our careers as doctors. we are busy trying to fulfill a whole lot of other roles we play, as caring children to our aging parents, as dedicated community workers, as true friends to our friends. it seems everything is going great and we praise and thank god for the roles which he called on us to play, and for the resources we need to take on the responsibilities which come with them.

two for the long road. i realized painfully that thirteen years is a long time to be busy with other things except to be busy prioritizing being the kind of wife god commanded me to be for my husband. i learned that to be busy with other things, and veer away from being this kind of wife, is to be under satan's yoke. we are so blessed not to have any earth-shaking problems in our marriage, really nothing big enough to tear us apart. but the small things such as carelessness in action and words, busy-ness... they eat up like termites into the relationship, seemingly stable on the outside, but gnawing to a hollow brittleness inside. i cried buckets on the last night of our retreat as this realization dawned on me, re-discovering the little hurts, his and mine, which have piled up and which we so conveniently swept under the rug... just because they seemed too small. and yes, just because we were busy.

two for the long road. the timing was perfect. the messages clear and piercing. the tears were good. it unloaded our heavy hearts we had not realized we carried. it felt great to start exterminating the termites. this weekend we were re-charged, re-juvinated, re-energized. it feels as if we were coming home from a much-needed vacation. except even better. because it was a couple's vacation with god, as he gently reminded us that we three were meant for each other, and firmly ushered us two for the long road ahead.

hush

2007-05-27T06:41:00.001+08:00

rarely did we think about leaving our country "for greener pastures" or "to give our children a better future" in the past recent years. that was since the time we realized it is here where god led us and it is here where he intended for us to stay and raise our family. it is only when we hear of our close friends planning to leave, or when we have come from another country, when my husband and i get into a discussion about the decision we made several years back.

few weeks ago after returning from new zealand was one such time. and last night was another. driving home from a reunion with old friends, we pondered on why one very dear couple to us, was planning to migrate. it was totally unexpected and i felt, after a few seconds of disbelief, sadness. why, i asked my husband. we thought they were doing very well here. just like us, they work as doctors and are able to enjoy the fruits of their labor with their kids, have extra for little luxuries from time to time, and still have some left for savings. just like us, they strive to be responsible and concerned citizens of this country and do not let its current state of affairs get the better of them. we thought that just like us, they were quite happy to stay.

my husband says it is because of the many trials which came their way during the past year. it has been a problematic year for them in terms of career, which of course had some effect on their family. an unjust lawsuit hovering above their heads continue to torment them. a robbery and threat to their security forced them to move out of their home. and some other disturbing things. they were all too much to bear. and they took these as signs from god that just maybe, he is telling them that this country is not the place for them.

we re-visit our decision to stay. i review my previous entry on "to stay or not", and realize that pretty much all the reasons which led us to decide on staying, remain the same. it is not to say that everything has been fine and dandy all the time. my husband also had a major crisis at work last year, a hopeless and frustrating situation which almost pushed him into depression. i felt his pain brought about by injustice, as well as my own pain brought about by a sense of helplessness. there were other disappointments here and there. and intermittent thoughts that maybe, our country will not be so significantly better within our lifetime. at least not in the way we would like it to be.

but unlike our friends, our trials have made us realize that god is indeed still telling us to stay. my husband's major crisis turned out to be a real blessing in disguise. whenever we have some uncertainties, god unfailingly creates situations to turn our thoughts around. he quiets us in an awesome, unbelievable way.

yes, he is still shouting it out loud for us to hear. he says, hush, be not restless. be calm, stray not. you are what i want you to be, where i want you to be.

kuya lito

2007-05-24T00:40:00.000+08:00

i was fearful that our computer was a-crashing last night. thankfully, i got some tips from my friend, aly, on how to unload the drives as overload may be the reason for it malfunctioning from time to time. the tips helped but i felt my pc really needed a pc doctor. it was also aly who referred my to a pc shop to have it diagnosed and treated by a certain "jun".

fortunately, the following day, today, was my off day from work. so i made sure i went to the shop early to bring the tower for a check-up. i was there before it opened. i was told they wouldn't repair any unit that was not bought from them. and that there was no jun working there. what?! i might be in the wrong shop. after some confusion which was cleared up by aly - bless her soul and her charm as she was able to go around their policy- my pc was checked out by a pc doctor named "kuya lito", the same guy whom aly thought was named "jun".

kuya lito spent several minutes tinkering around the hard disc, checking the mother board and the hardware. he even brushed the inside and took out about a centimeter high layer of dust which collected inside the tower. eowww! kuya lito was so nice and so patient, explaining to me what the problem was, that the problem was in the software and the pc just needs reformatting.

"can you do it? kahit sa bahay nalang kung hindi puwede dito?" i asked as i sensed his hesitation.

"ma'am kaya, pero bawal po," he said. " eto nalang po, yung kaibigan ko," he adds as he hands me a business card. he actually could have earned extra from the home service but he chose not to. he chose to follow the company rules.

"ok, thank you. sana kasing-husay mo ito," i said.

"opo, magaling at mabait po siya," he answered.

"so, doon na ako magbabayad?" i asked him, as i reached for cash to pay for his services.

"ay ok na po. wala pong bayad yon," he answers.

"huh? i was surprised that i didn't have to pay for all that he did, checking out my tower, diagnosing what the problem was and cleaning the inside even! "sige na, kahit pang-merienda lang," as i left the cash on his work table. i felt uneasy not compensating him for his kindness and time.

"huwag po, hindi po. bawal po sa amin yan," as he pointed to the sign on the wall which read "no tipping allowed" and ran after me to give back my cash.

i was amazed at him. i didn't have any choice but to take the money back. although i felt he deserved to be compensated for his work, i think if i didn't take the money back, i would have insulted him. the cash could have filled and satisfied his tummy but would have depreciated his character and worth.

the nachos story

2007-05-15T07:36:00.000+08:00

we decided to go to a nearby cafe for lunch after a little shopping at a weekend market. they had a shortlist menu serving pasta, sandwiches and pastries besides coffee and soda.

roque wanted nachos with melted cheese. i actually wanted him to eat something more substantial than that. i browsed through the menu, secretly hoping there would be none of what he wanted. there were two kinds of nachos, one with beef on it, and the other was vegetarian. great, i thought.

me: "you have to get something else, roque. they don't serve nachos with melted cheese."

roque: "aowww, i want nachos with melted cheese. just ask."
me: "no, there's none. look at the menu. see? they don't have that here."
roque: "but i want it. just ask. please just ask!"
me: "no! it's not in the menu nga. see? how about fish and chips? don't be difficult, please."
roque: "aowww, mom, just ask!"

in the meantime, the lady was done taking down the orders of everyone else and then turned to us, "so what will this handsome little boy have?"

me: "well, he wants nachos with just melted cheese but you don't have it, so....."
lady: "oh certainly, we can make that for him! no problem."
roque: "see?!!!!"

aowwww.... ok, ok..... you win. stubborn? assertive? i guess i should be pleased that my handsome little boy thinks of the box. thanks to progressive schooling.

wake up call

2007-05-14T14:07:00.000+08:00

i was not quite awake yet this morning at around 6 am when our five-year old roque poked me and blurted this out, "how does a baby come out of a mommy's tummy?"

"what?!" that question woke me up real quickly, more successfully than an alarm clock would.

"i said, how does a baby come out of a mommy's tummy?" he repeated.

"uh..... um....." i wasn't quite sure how to answer that. and i didn't want to wake up gary just so he could help me out on this. i figured, what the heck, if he was ready to ask me that question, he was probably ready to hear the answer. anyways, since early this year, he didn't want to take a bath with me anymore. the last time we did, his back was turned to me and his head bent as he looked down on the bathroom floor the whole time. he made sure he would not see my naked body which to him was probably such an embarrassing sight. so here goes...

"you came out of my tummy when the doctor opened me up here," pointing to my bikini scar. "then he had to sew it up so it would close."

"ya, i know that. i learned that from higgly town heroes on playhouse disney. is there another way?"

"well ya, uh..... um....." so i decided to plunge right through, "the baby can also come out through the pipi." hoping he would understand that and not ask me about the gory details.

"what?!! eeeeowww!! his eyes almost as big as his mouth opened wide.

yup, he got that alright.

the red man light

2007-05-13T05:10:00.000+08:00

as we get older, we tend to take some things for granted, especially if we experience these things day in and day out. even the not so good things we see become a natural part of us and so we tend not to complain about them. or maybe decide that they are too little to be frazzled about.

we were weaving through traffic and rushing to attend an anniversary mass in quezon city yesterday. as we drove along university of santo tomas, at a stoplight, our five year-old son roque, blurted out, "why don't the people stop when they see the red man light?" when we were in auckland, we did a lot of walking. through the parks and even the city. in the city streets, he loved pressing the arrow button as we waited for the "green man light" to signal the pedestrians that it was time to cross the street. "why do they keep on crossing even if it is still the red man light?"

to that innocent question, my husband gary and i just looked at each other, knowing exactly what was going on. and gary just shook his head in disappointment. it was a simple observation. and yes, it is just a small thing. besides, none of the pedestrians got hurt as the cars were still in a stop too. but hey, roque's simple observation hit a tender spot. yes, why are simple rules not followed? we knew very well in roque's mind, there was some confusion why people in auckland were following rules and why people here were not.

i knew what was going on in gary's mind then. i was disappointed too. because in our minds, there are bigger rules here which are deliberately not followed. it is not good that seeing the same thing that roque observed did not even bother us until he pointed it out to us. it happens all the time and we had just gotten used to it. it was a small thing and we had taken it for granted, unaware that it had confused roque's little mind. and the bigger picture is, truly, as a people without discipline, we fail because of this. and as a people calloused to people without discipline, we fail all the more.

at the next stoplight, i needed to clear up roque's confusion, and erase the comparison forming in his mind, without having to highlight or cover up our people's wrongdoing. so i asked him, "why, what should they do when they see a "red man light?" he answered, "stop." i asked again, "why should they stop? what might happen if they still cross the street?" and he said a matter-of-factly, "if they cross, a car might hit them and they will get hurt." so i said, "that's right. that's why we have rules that we all have to follow all the time, wherever we are. because the rules are there to protect us, right?" and to that he smiled and nodded.

i smiled back, pleased with our little conversation but not really all that happy because i see the bigger picture from this small picture. because i am reminded of our failure as a people. and because i know i will not always be there to correct whatever small confusion roque will still encounter along the way. as he gets older, i want him to continue to be observant, to be able to choose right from wrong, and not to take little things for granted. little wrong things lead to bigger wrong things. nothing is too small to take for granted.

just a friendly reminder

2007-05-11T05:00:00.000+08:00

after two glorious weeks in new zealand with my family, i struggle to get back into the groove of things..... the daily routine, work, the house, activities of whatever's left with summer. vacations away from home especially this one, being the longest we've ever had since we got back to manila in 1998, has a way of tickling, teasing, picking one's mind about things close to home.

it was wonderful absorbing all the beauty that was in new zealand. no wonder everyone says it is really beautiful down there. it truly is. so refreshingly green everywhere. so clean... you can even drink water straight out of the tap! and the people are so simple... city-dwellers or not, white-collared workers or blue. just about everything and everyone are pretty much taken cared of... from education, work, healthcare and the environment, the newborns to the elderly, even the unemployed or those in prison. there is a conceivable effort to center on family and healthy, non-stressful living. shops are closed by 5pm. places are developed for healthy living and simple pleasures like strolling, hiking, biking. there is a conscious effort to give people time to smell the wonderful scent of grass or watch the glorious sunset by the bay.

we met up with a med school classmate who was living his dream as a kiwi. that's what they call new zealanders... yep, same as kiwi the bird, kiwi the fruit, and kiwi their currency. we also encountered several pinoys, some who have just relocated and some who have been kiwis for more than a decade or so. some of them went through a lot of difficulty to get to where they are now. some were still awaiting the rest of their family to join them there. almost everyone asked if we had plans to relocate and encouraged us to stay. all were very happy to be there. and we can see why. it was as clear as their sky. and their question and sincere advice as crisp and pure as the air they breathe.

before we can even give it a serious thought, and barely a week into our vacation, i received a text from manila. it was my tita cora, as though in anticipation of the tickling our minds were getting. "i'm glad you guys are having fun. enjoy yourselves but just visit. huwag mag-ma-migrate."

so enjoy immensely we did. but i must admit, it is very difficult not to be tickled because we really did.

he heals

2007-04-12T22:35:00.000+08:00

roque was feeling sick over the weekend. during easter lunch, we observed that he was not his usual excitable self, just lying on the couch, mostly leaning on me or gary. and he felt warm, as in feverish. true enough, 38.8 degrees when i checked, but without any cough or colds. nowadays, everyone gets paranoid about any febrile episode being a sign of the dreaded dengue, including us. but ok, being doctors, we will be calm. we will observe and not freak out. paracetamol, ibuprufen, and we will just monitor.

three days, and still with fever on and off and still hitting almost 39 degrees, and complaining of headache too. he shakes his head and says, "my brain hurts." at least he was not lethargic anymore but still could not play in the park. frustrated, he asked gary, "when will my fever go away?" to which gary answered, "tomorrow." although i was not really sure if he was as confident as how his answer was. every night we would pray for god to take out his fever and heal him completely. that night, i was quite worried too and i made him repeat the words out loud, "dear god, please take out my fever and heal me completely. dear jesus, please take out my fever and heal me completely." and as always, he ends with "good night god, good night jesus, good night mama mary, good night holy spirit." and as we lay there, i thought, one more day like this and i'm calling the real doctor, his pediatrician.

the following day, roque woke up without fever. and the day went on, thankfully, still without fever. what a relief! he was well, as daddy gary said he would be by that day. "so no more medicine?" he asked me. "no more," i said, "because you don't have fever anymore. does your brain still hurt?" he shakes his head testing if it still will hurt. "no more."

"see, dad was right," i said. and then i asked him, "who do you think made you well?" with an impish grin, he looked at me, and whispered, "god?" as if it was our own little secret, but with a hint of uncertainty. "or is it jesus?" he asked. i said, "both of them... and mama mary helped, too."

i knew then that he believed me, and that he was sure his answer was right.

first time

2007-04-11T08:47:00.000+08:00

the first time is always memorable. thanks much to the placinos. first visita iglesia with our children. first visita iglesia out of town, through parts of rizal and laguna provinces. first way of the cross with our children, two stations per iglesia. first time each iglesia was dedicated to specific prayers... tanay for self, pililia for parents, candelaria for country, siniloan for work and study, paete for siblings, morong for friends, cardona for helpers. first time i had taho. first time our children witnessed hampas. first time we had to pay different fees depending on what you did in the restroom. yes, the first time is always memorable. looking forward to the next first time.

My VisualDNA

2007-03-27T21:22:00.000+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

lolo

2007-02-23T08:46:00.000+08:00

it was sad, happy, enlightening, heartwarming, uplifting, inspiring... my lolo's passing. the past few days were all that rolled into one.

he lived to be 105 years old. he lived a very long and full life. he early on learned the value of hard work, discipline and education, values which he continued to follow throughout his colorful life. not many are blessed with this, not to mention being acknowledged and awarded for his achievements until his dying day. with all of god's wonderful blessings, he has remained simple and always grateful for all the big and little things which came his way. he was never amiss letting each one know his or her worth by showing just how appreciative he is for everything. even in his last hours, he thanked the priest after his last sacrament, and his ever efficient and dedicated caregivers after his final meal, before he lay himself to rest. not only did he show us how to live, he also showed us how to die. dignified until the very end.

during the past few days, we have met many people who shared us their encounters with lolo, experiences which they will never forget of him as a strict and fair mentor, a hardworking colleague to emulate, a caring and real friend to cherish. we praise and thank god for allowing lolo to inspire many people with his life, even outside our family, and well beyond his own generation.

he embraced life with a passion and a happy heart as he fervently believed that god is his shepherd and there is nothing else he shall want. we thank everybody for witnessing parts of his life, for sharing these experiences with our family, and for praying with us. as we celebrate the fullness of lolo's life, we praise and thank god for welcoming him into his kingdom, a place lolo has long prepared for, and a place he truly deserves to be.

thank you lolo for inspiring us with your life. and thank you for continuing to watch over us from heaven.

coming home

2007-02-15T16:58:00.000+08:00

all i know is that my world stopped. for a couple of months or so... preparing for our silver year, our homecoming which was held last sunday. the endless meetings, practices, get-togethers with friends from many years back. despite the laugh lines, love handles, everything else stays the same... such as the giggly exchanges, the teasing, the camaraderie, the concern for one another that comes with growing up together.

some excerpts from "the silver book: coming home"

this is our time to meet... again.
for like at the end of the day,
we are drawn to home.

let our school's classrooms and halls
roar and hum with the joyful clamor
we make on our return journey.

and oh, what tales we have to tell
of the roads we have travelled
these past 25 years,
of the adventures we have taken,
and how we have dealt
with life's twists and turns.

let our doors be thrown open
to welcome each other back
with open arms and tight embraces,
happy voices, and belly-deep laughter.

santa's last gift

2006-12-31T07:02:00.000+08:00

when and how do we stop being santa to our kids?

this year was the first year that our 4 year old roque was really aware of santa's "presence". he thought hard and long about what he would ask from him. finally on christmas eve, he wrote the letter to him asking for a "green and orange watch" and stuck it to the main door. he even wanted to stay up until santa came.

this year was also the year that we decided that our 11 year old arianna was too old for santa. although she wrote santa that she wanted a tablet for christmas, we didn't know if she actually still believed in him. we felt she knew but maybe was just faking it to get more gifts. ha! you know how kids could be too smart nowadays... so how to go about having santa "sign off" from her was a dilemna until i came across a story about how santa taught kids the real meaning of christmas. this year, santa's last gift to arianna was this special story.

Just a week before Christmas I had a visitor. This is how it happened. I just finished the household chores for the night and was preparing to go to bed when I heard a noise in the front of the house. I opened the door to the front room, and to my surprise, Santa himself stepped out from behind the Christmas tree.
He placed his finger over his mouth so I would not cry out.
"What are you doing?" I started to ask him.

The words choked in my throat, as I saw he had tears in his eyes. His usual jolly manner was gone. Gone was the eager boisterous soul we all know. He then answered me with a simple statement, "TEACH THE CHILDREN!" I was puzzled: What did he mean? He anticipated my question, and with one quick movement brought forth a miniature toy bag from behind the tree.

As I stood there bewildered, Santa said, "Teach the Children! Teach them the old meaning of Christmas. The meaning that a now-a-day Christmas has forgotten!"

Santa then reached in his bag and pulled out a FIR TREE and placed it on the mantle. Teach the Children that the pure green color of the stately fir tree remains green all year round, depicting the everlasting hope of mankind. All the needles point heavenward, making it a symbol of man's thoughts turning toward heaven.

He again reached into his bag and pulled out a brilliant STAR. Teach the Children that the star was the heavenly sign of promises long ago. God promised a Savior for the world, and the star was the sign of fulfillment of that promise.

He then reached into the bag and pulled out a CANDLE. Teach the Children that the candle symbolizes that Christ is the light of the world, and when we see this great light we are reminded of He who displaces the darkness.

Once again he reached into his bag and then removed a WREATH and placed it on the tree. Teach the Children that the wreath symbolizes the eternal nature of love. Real love never ceases. Love is one continuous round of affection.

He then pulled out from his bag an ornament of HIMSELF. Teach the Children that Santa Claus symbolizes the generosity and good will we feel
during the month of December.

He reached in again and pulled out a HOLLY LEAF. Teach the Children the holly plant represents immortality. It represents the crown of thorns worn by our Savior. The red holly berries represent blood shed by Him.

Next he pulled out a GIFT from the bag and said, "Teach the Children that God so loved the world that He gave His Only Begotten Son. Thanks be to God for His unspeakable gift. Teach the Children that the wise men bowed before the Holy Babe and presented Him with gold, frankincense, and myrrh. We should give gifts in the same spirit as the wise men."

Santa then reached in his bag and pulled out a CANDY CANE and hung it on the tree. Teach the Children that the candy cane represents the shepherd's crook. The crook on the shepherd's staff helps bring back strayed sheep from the flock. The candy cane is the symbol that we are our brother's keeper.

He reached in again and pulled out an ANGEL. Teach the Children that it was the angels that heralded in the glorious news of the Savior's birth. The angels sang 'Glory to God in the highest, on earth, peace and good will.'

Suddenly I heard a soft twinkling sound, and from his bag he pulled out a BELL. Teach the Children that as the lost sheep are found by the sound of a bell, it should bring people to the fold. The bell symbolizes guidance and return.

Santa looked at the tree and was pleased. He looked back at me
and I saw the twinkle was back in his eyes.

He said, "Remember, Teach the Children the true meaning of Christmas, and not to put me in the center, for I am but a humble servant of the ONE WHO IS, and I bow down and worship Him, our Lord, our God.

JESUS CHRIST is the reason for Christmas! Rejoice!

and i signed it "love always, Mr. and Mrs. Santa". for her, there was no mistaking who mr. and mrs. santa were.

smelling the food of christmas

2006-12-24T06:17:00.000+08:00

it's the 24th of december and i have just come from the last and ninth day of the simbang gabi. yes!!! i did it... i completed the nine-day novena masses after not having gone to simbang gabi for the past twelve years. that's as long as i have been married to my husband. please don't ask me why but you can do the math.

it is the day before christmas and i can smell the food of christmas. it has been a theme christmas eve dinner for the past five or so years now. this year, it will be dimsum! with crab and corn soup, peking duck, noodles, buchi, almond gulaman and lychees. mmmmm.....

it's been quite a hectic two months or so approaching christmas. i am constantly thrown into the pressures of work at the hospital as well as home concerns and responsibilities with children just as i am all year round. and this time of the year is going unbelievably haywire with the must-go social events, gift-hunting and gift-giving. of all years, i can say that the days this time of the year have been one humongous blur because of the schedule clutter which has prevented me from feeling and enjoying as i should, the christmas that should be in the air.....

except during simbang gabi..... my saving grace. yes, thanks to this, it has made me feel christmas-y especially in the mornings. every 4 am, i would get up and wake up my mom, get dressed and drive with her to church. the homilies were especially good. there were many wonderful reflections from the bishops and priests. after mass, mom and i would sit around the breakfast table and chat endlessly about various things. that was extremely good. i didn't realize how much i missed that. the past nine days allowed me to bond with my mom, who started me in this tradition as a child. the past nine days prepared me spiritually for what is to come tomorrow.

indeed, i can smell, see, feel, almost touch and taste, the food of christmas. not the dimsum nor the duck. but real food, which is jesus christ, our savior. his birth reminds me of god's original blessing when he created us and the beautiful world around us. his birth reminds me of god's perfect love and our responsibility to love the same. his birth reminds me of god's powerful presence in our lives as he constantly guides, challenges and rewards us. he is the the one and only food that could sustain us, and fill us more than enough so we have some more of him and his love to share and sustain others.

may his joyous birth remind you of the same.

it could have been friday the 13th

2006-11-24T00:27:00.000+08:00

it could have been friday the thirteenth. except it wasn't. it was monday. and it was the twentieth.

the day started off really well. drove arianna to take her high school entrance exams in assumption before going to the hospital for work. got through the usual crazy out-patient schedule followed by several in-patient visits. then back to assumption i went to fetch arianna by 3 pm. was glad that the day went as planned, made good time. parked the car and waited in the school grounds for arianna. like clockwork, she got out on time. we happily chatted how the exams went as we walked to the car, and decided to go to the mall to do some errands.

i was surprised to see a tirejack on my front tire. a memo stuck to my door said i was illegally parked and had to pay a 500 peso fine! jeez! i distinctly remember a guard seeing me park where i did and he didn't even tell me not to park there. no signs, how would i know? i was pissed knowing that that particular village was notorious for trying to make horrendous money out of their car stickers. so with arianna, i went to the security office to complain about the tirejack. there were three other non-residents complaining when we got to the office. what's worse was that the security officer was so darn inefficient. to say the least, i angrily told him i refuse to pay because it is clearly unfair, and demanded to see his superior. a few seconds later, a man in barong came into the office, then just as quickly went out to drive away. i asked the security officer again where his superior was and to that he replied, he was driving to go somewhere! so apalled i was, realizing that the moron security officer purposely didn't tell me that his superior i was looking for was that man in barong who was driving away. so of course, i shouted and demanded that he call his superior back. without thinking twice, his superior waived my fine and ordered his men to unlock the tirejack, after i complained to him, my voice shrill with impatience and irk. all this time, arianna was quietly witnessing everything.

walking back to the car, i was triumphant that i got my way. but i also felt very guilty about having to behave that way in front of arianna, even as a response to what i felt was an act of injustice to me. so i began to rationalize by telling her that we should always stand up for our rights but that i was sorry she had to see me lose my temper. and she just nodded quietly, as if telling me she understood, but not quite agreed.

driving to the mall, i made a u-turn along pasay road. and guess what? a traffic enforcer stopped me. it was a one-way street. what luck! with the traffic enforcer, i was more apologetic and calm, as i tried to get him to understand and hoped that he would consider letting me off the hook. well, he didn't budge. since i am one who certainly will not bribe, i told him to just give me a ticket. to that, he said it will cost me 500 pesos to retrieve my license. good grief!!

"it feels like friday the thirteenth," i told arianna. and to that she replied, "mom, i think it's karma." i instantly felt so small. i wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. how right she was.

more than the misfortunes of the day, what made me feel like it was friday the thirteenth was how i made my daughter think and feel about my behavior and the direct or coincidental consequence of it. with her simple reply, she made me realize i should have known and could have done better. i knew i disappointed her. it's worse than any friday the thirteenth i have ever experienced in my life.

lub-dub

2006-10-28T00:09:00.000+08:00

lub-dub... lub-dub...

the sound of the heartbeat
barely six weeks old inside
heard for the first time

the excitement tremendous
the joy unbelievable
the happiness indescribable

years from that very first time
your child's chest against your own
feeling that very same rhythm

lub-dub... lub-dub...

joyful music in service

2006-10-03T20:39:00.000+08:00

friends of jesus (foj) is a children's formation group which my husband and i serve in. before every meeting, we plan out an activity for the children through which they will hopefully learn a particular christian value, share their talents, and have fun with each other. i sometimes ask my children what activity they think would be enjoyable. since it is the month of october, we were planning a mama mary-dedicated foj activity for last sunday. but because there was still no power in most areas of the city post-typhoon milenyo, we were told the night before sunday that the sunday district gathering was cancelled.

come sunday morning, roque, our perpetual 4 year-old alarm clock, woke me up around 6:30. and with anticipation, shouts to my ear, "good morning! wake up!! do we have foj?" and so i had to tell him it was cancelled. "but why we won't foj?" it was a bit funny how foj, the noun, became also a verb to him. i knew he was disappointed. and i had to tell him that it was because there was no electricity. "awww! no tricity again?!" yup, he was clearly disappointed.

and so the day went on with us just bumming around the house. there was nothing to do until we decided to go to sta. elena to take the kids swimming, to breathe some fresh air and to have some nuclear family bonding. it was fun and the kids were tired as we headed back home after that. as i tucked roque in bed, i told him dad and i were going to mass. with his eyes half-opened, in between yawns, he asks, "is it an foj mass? i want to go with you." and though i didn't want to disappoint him again, i had to tell him it wasn't.

it blows my mind how he looked foward to foj the minute he woke up that sunday. and even after having already enjoyed a whole afternoon of swimming, as he was about to sleep, he still did not forget foj. i did not anticipate his anticipation. nor was i disappointed with his disppointment. hearing him get excited about foj, use it automatically as if it were a verb, and even instinctively relate it to the holy mass, is joyful music to my ears. it's service rewarded a thousand-fold.

milenyo

2006-09-30T23:43:00.000+08:00

i did not feel typhoon milenyo because i was in the hospital working then. well, that's because the hospital does not close shop even when it's signal #3 or threatening to be signal #4 as in the case of this storm that just passed.

when i got home from work that afternoon, roque, as always, excitedly greets me at the door.
roque: mom, you're home!
me: yes, hi there, hon!
roque: you know, there's no tricity!
me: what?
roque: there's no tricity! there's no tricity, mom!
me: you mean e-lec-tricity.
roque: yes, e-lec-tricity. why there's no tricity, mom?
me: well, because of the storm.
roque: storm?
me: yes, the storm destroyed the lines that carry the electricity to the different houses.
roque: but why did god bring the storm?
me: uh.... um.... uh.... um.... because god wanted to water all the plants fast?!
roque: (pauses to think) oh, i get it!

gosh, what a silly answer i had. after i told my husband about the conversation we had, he told me quite exasperatedly, "but hon, didn't you see, the storm tore the trees out!"... well, i wasn't ready for the question... sorry...

it took nine months

2006-09-22T18:18:00.000+08:00

nine months ago, i blogged about a dear friend who wondered why she got pregnant at a time when she and her husband have given up all hope to have another baby after 8 years of trying. why at a time when she was very busy with her career and preparing for a big move to another country. back then, she asked why, why now? no one really knew the answers then. except of course our god, the giver of life, who knew exactly why and why then.

today, nine months since, i received a wonderful text message from my friend which read "lucas javier was born today... by natural delivery." incredulous! blessed with an adorable 9-year old daughter, i'm sure they secretly wished for a baby boy. she also continuously prayed oh so hard to give birth naturally even if her doctor already scheduled her for a caesarian section. it's just incredulous! our giver of life gives beyond our wildest imagination.

and now we know why then. because now nine months later, they are well-settled after the big move. because now, her career is stable and going well. because now, her 9-year old autistic daughter is gaining independence they thought would never be possible. because now, they can care for their newborn son without these stresses which god has taken care of in their behalf. god's timing is truly precise. his ways are perfect.

all praise and honor be to the giver of life who breathes life to the lives he has given. how wonderful it is to witness the unfailing faith of people who continuously pray. i am a work in progress learning to pray the way i should. in awe and with gratitude, i experience how prayer works in the lives of other people as it does in mine.

worth in our unworthiness

2006-09-03T17:54:00.000+08:00

what makes us worthy,
of being known from conception
of being watched over throughout our lives
of being found without even searching
of being led by the hand pruned, then strengthened
of being prepared in spirit then called by name?

what makes us worthy,
of brothers and sisters who care
enough to rejoice with us in our own triumphs
enough to cry with us when we feel blue
enough to uplift us when we feel insecure
enough to pray with us to calm our fears?

what makes us worthy,
of the many blessings which come our way
much more than we can ever imagine
of a love so great and so overwhelming
so unselfish and liberating, ever so present
even if at times we forget or even take for granted?

what makes us worthy,
of still being called
despite all our excess baggage
despite our imperfections and shortcomings
despite our many fears and doubts
despite our unfaithfulness with our faith?

if only we could stop asking, what makes us worthy
if only we could let go and stop relying on ourselves
if with humility, trust in him to lead us further on
if with gratitude, hear and respond to his call
then maybe we will also see the worth which he sees
in our feeling of unworthiness.

ay grabe

2006-08-27T20:53:00.000+08:00

ay grabe. i haven't blogged for almost a month now. you can say that again. ay grabe.

i was just toooooo busy with so many other things that blogging took the very back seat these past weeks. hospital work, kids, administrative meetings, parent rep meetings in montessori, silver homecoming preparation meetings, collecting materials for our memory book... organizing committee meetings for the rehab midyear convention... etc... etc...

there were so many issues i wanted to blog about pa naman...
... how to get the helpers help each other -- my successful spur-of-the-moment mini mission-vision session with them
... the terrible stiff neck i experienced for the first time ever -- now i know exactly how some of my patients feel
... my refusal to take meds round-the-clock for my stiff neck-- now i also know why a number of my patients do that
... my new wrist slasher patient at the psych ward, and the psychiatrist who let her go home too soon -- thankfully my patient didn't slash her other wrist after that
... my high school classmates who "make tampo" as if they were still in grade school -- thought we were way too old for that
... how i so hated the inquirer article about jim paredes giving up on the philippines, which the inquirer apologized about -- that did not make me feel any better though, not one eensy-weensy bit
... my 11 year old daughter arianna, who just bought a pair of wedgies to replace her wooden flat sandals -- i really have to prepare myself for the inevitable
... my 4 year old son roque, who got into a discussion with me about boobs, something he learned from his classmate, jaime, that "boys have small boobs and girls have big boobs like you mom" -- thank you, roque

ay grabe. will have to make sure i have time to spare more nights for blogging. ay grabe.

hurting without knowing

2006-08-01T00:25:00.000+08:00

through a friend i found out i hurt someone for over a year now, not even knowing that i did. she was never a close friend but the realization was still an unpleasant surprise, more of a shock even. it still made me feel terrible. it has been a long time. i could hardly remember the conversation we had which for some reason hurt her. was i callous? or was she overly sensitive? did anyone put words into my mouth? did she misinterpret me? did she misunderstand me? i do not know and i cannot even remember.

she had kept quiet all these months. and even admitted to our friend that she was certain i was unaware that i hurt her feelings. but why keep such hurt to herself for so long, only to share it to a friend as if it were from a wound just inflicted on her yesterday? i cannot understand.

i want the both of us to heal by communicating but she won't. i am ready and eager to clear up things between us, but she isn't. even after over a year, why? i cannot understand.

maybe my friendship doesn't really count to her. so maybe it doesn't really matter whether we communicate or not. i should probably just let it go and not sweat it out. anyway, it has been over a year. but then again, just realizing that i have been hurting someone over a year without even knowing it, even if that someone is not a close friend... the feeling is even worse than hurting someone intentionally.

i think life is too short to be marred by miscommunication or the lack of communication between friends. should i have been better off not knowing that i hurt her? should i even be bothered? but i already know. and i already am bothered. so now what?

one school day

2006-07-20T16:28:00.000+08:00

me : so how was school, roque?
roque : great.
me : what did you do today?
roque : i watered the plants and washed the dishes. but i did not sweep the leaves.
me : oh yeah?
roque : yeah. my friend martin likes cheska.
me : how do you know?
roque : because he keeps on hugging her.
me : is she pretty?
roque : i don't know.
me : do you like her also?
roque : i saw her in the girl's bathroom. and i saw her panty.
me : what?! what were you doing in the girls' bathroom?!
roque : no mom! i was outside doing my play-doh.
me : so what color was it?
roque : it was pink.

well that's just too bad, martin.

it was for us too

2006-07-17T21:43:00.000+08:00

the gathering of family and close friends
for our dear friend yvette yesterday
was for us as much as it was for her.

to see so many friends gather for her
was overwhelming
to us as much as it was to her.

to hear mass and to pray together
was uplifting

to us as much as it was to her.

to witness the annointing of the sick
renewed the hope
in us as much as it did in her.

to share a happy afternoon together
gave strength
to us as much as it gave her.

the gathering was really for yvette
but it was a reminder
to us as much as it was to her:

"whoever clings to me i will deliver; whoever knows my name i will set on high.
all who call upon me i will answer; i will be with them in distress;
i will deliver them and give them honor. with length of days i will satisfy them
and show them my saving power."
Psalm 91, 14-16

understanding choices

2006-07-03T21:58:00.000+08:00

total brain irradiation is a treatment option for cancer spread to the brain. it decreases the risk of recurrence. but because it destroys both the cancer cells and the healthy brain cells, it commonly brings about dementia. dementia is a disorder of the mind that impairs perception and memory among other functions.

it is a mighty tough decision which my friend and his wife have to make. after being diagnosed with breast cancer, decision to go through mastectomy, chemotherapy and local radiation therapy to prevent spread was easy to make. it was a pretty straightforward treatment protocol to follow. but all those gave his wife only a few months of remission from breast cancer. just a month ago, there was a solitary tumor discovered in her brain, which turned out to be what they feared the most, a spread. they are in a different ballgame now, wherein unfortunately, there are no proven successful protocols to follow. at this stage, palliation is the name of the game. and cure, a miracle.

the wife, a real achiever, driven as she is, obviously was scared of having early dementia. she was worried she will be forgetful and may not be able to express her thoughts and feelings because of it. what will life be then if she could not communicate what is in her mind and heart?

her husband, another achiever, and just as driven, though also obviously worried about dementia, is threatened more by the possibility of a recurrence. "her forgetfulness or difficulty to communicate, i will be able to live with. but the recurrence... i cannot." what will life be then, if months, weeks, hours, minutes, or even just seconds with his life partner will be prematurely snuffed out from it?

i understand why he would rather choose living with her dementia. he continues to be hopeful and wants to at least give a chance for life with his life partner be extended for any period of time. whether that time is short, or shorter. he just wants them to be together and he wants to take care of her. to him, it does not matter if he will have to go through her difficulty in remembering or expressing herself. he will cope with it and will try to feel her thoughts and her feelings.

they say communication comes in various forms between people. many times, life partners have a way of understanding each other without words being spoken. depending on how much one loves another person, any which way should be good enough.

sunday revelations

2006-06-27T07:34:00.000+08:00

for more than week, my 11-year old daughter arianna was eagerly awaiting the showing of the disney movie "high school musicale". she even made sure that we did not have any family activity planned that sunday night so she will not miss it on tv.

i overheard my husband ask her "why, what's that movie all about?"
and she said "it's about this athlete boy and this intellectual girl and how they audition for the school musicale."
i but in, "i bet it's a love story."
she smiles excitedly, "yes."
to that, i see my husband shake his head,
and could hear his mental "tsk...tsk...oh no..."

i watched the movie with her and watched her watch it giddy with excitement. it was the usual boy meets girl teenage movie. wholesome and exciting in a puppylove sort of way. my 4 year-old son roque was also in the room, watching and playing at the same time. i didn't think he was paying attention to the movie, until it came to the part when the boy waits to meet the girl in his special hideaway place.

i was tucking in roque then, when he mutters a matter of factly, "that boy's in love."
i could not believe my ears, "what did you say?"
he repeats emphatically, "I SAID, that boy is IN LOVE!"
"how do you know?"
he says, "mom, there's the girl, you know!"
as he exasperatedly covers his face with his blanket,
i could hear his mental "duh, mom!!"

boy oh boy, what revelations i got that night. first, that arianna is slowly getting into that interesting stage. and second, that roque seems to understand something about that stage already.

and third, i don't think i'm quite ready for that yet.

doing ok

2006-06-22T07:09:00.000+08:00

a month ago, i received a text message from my friend anna, inviting me to a fundraising event for pilar, her good friend and someone i knew from my college days. she has colon cancer, stage III. she was our age, happily married and had three young children. i called anna to verify and ask how pilar was. she said pilar was "doing ok" after her surgery and several cycles of chemotherapy.

what is "doing ok"? the term is relative. it may mean that one has accepted the situation, is resigned to it. or it may mean that one is merely physically getting by. it may also mean that one is expectedly just a little bit depressed but not severely so to the brink of insanity.

the hair-raising story was that almost a year ago, they had another friend who was diagnosed to have malignant melanoma. it was pilar who was adamant at helping out their friend by organizing a fundraising event for her. she even said then, "she really needs our support and we'll never know it might happen to any of us." and yes, as if she had some premonition, it happened to her.

we were not close to pilar at all. we were not even sure whether she still remembers us or not. but my husband and i went to the fundraising event just the same. it turned out to be a party. there was a live band and the place was packed. it was a gathering of people we knew from way back when whom we have not seen for ages. it was fun catching up on each other. and there was pilar of course. she looked good. really good. radiant. strong. obviously overwhelmed with everything that night. there was an honoring of sorts. a lot of hugging and kissing. more than the money which was raised, it was the emotional, psychological, and spiritual upliftment which made this event worthwhile. being there meant offering a gift of hope and strength. being there allowed us to experience the hope and strength of pilar. the money became secondary, maybe even incidental. people were clearly having a good time. and so was pilar.

as we bid her goodbye that night, she was surprised to see us there. yes, she remembered us after a split-second of thinking back through twenty years. i whisper "we'll pray for you." and she says with all sincerity, "thanks so much. i really just lift it all up to Him."

i know it is possible. "doing ok" also means one is truly alright, uplifted emotionally despite the situation, by drawing strength from the support and love of people around. filled spiritually by the promise of salvation.

crater lake

2006-06-20T17:08:00.000+08:00

god's

creation

is

nothing

less

than

breathtaking.

Crater Lake, Mount Pinatubo
06.17.06

hidden mickeys

2006-06-17T10:11:00.000+08:00

had a blast with the kids spotting the hidden mickeys.

can you spot all 11 of them?

Lantau Island, HK

06.14.06

bye old trusty

2006-06-09T00:22:00.000+08:00

i kinda got a kick out of not being totally reached by cellphone. with my old trusty cellphone, i could text. and i could receive text. but i could not get calls. i could not hear who was calling me. and that lasted for a hilarious two months.

for some warped reason, i was not bothered by it. in fact, i loved the flexibility and the liberty it provided me. sort of like having a perfect reason not to talk to someone you don't really feel like talking to. but without feeling guilty. or not giving in to the usual urge of calling someone for something not really that important or urgent. fine! fine! i admit there were times it got frustrating when i really had to make a call and i couldn't. and i imagine it was just as bad for those who tried to reach me. well, well, despite that, it was still pretty much a liberating experience. and it was fun in a twisted sort of way while it lasted.

my birthday was coming up in 3 weeks and i thought it would be good time to replace my 5-year old trusty. but my husband was probably as frustrated as the rest and couldn't wait a day longer. so yes! last night, he surprised me with a new one. he knew i wanted a very simple cellphone. no camera with it. no infrared. no internet access. no other fancy accessories or applications. in short, something that can text and call, and receive texts and calls. and that's exactly what he got for me. i'm happy with it for many reasons.

it's so light and small and compact. it's no-nonsense and sturdy. its touchpads are nice and soft to my fingertips. it even doubles as a flashlight as a bonus feature which is quite useful. and guess what? it's even burglar-proof. it's too cheap for anyone to want to steal it.

the way to the top

2006-06-07T07:38:00.000+08:00

Exerpt from Butch Jimenez, Jr's Commencement Address
at the Silliman University 2006

You may ask, "How may I serve the country?" One way is actually quite simple. I will give it to you in one word. If you are great, if you are smart, if you are the best, then, please STAY. Just stay in the country. You would have actually done a great service to our country just by staying.

But if you can't stay, or don't want to stay, that's fine. If you want to make it out there in the world, that's a-ok with me. But I want to ask two things of you.

First, go out there and show the whole world how great the FIlipino is. No matter what field you are in, prove to the world how special we Filipinos truly are.

Second, don't just plan to COME back. Plan to GIVE back to your country. If you do that, if every Filipino out there in the world -- and there are millions of us already -- proves to everybody how great the Filipino is, and not only plans to come back, but actually plans to give back to this country, then in less than one generation, we will be an even greater nation.

I will end with what I told the UP students in 2003. You must be asking yourselves, "How do I reach my dreams?" or "How far can I go?" I told them this. In the last 42 years of my life, I have realized one thing: "There is no destination beyond the reach of those who walk with God."

So when you go out there in the world, take God's hand and walk with Him. Because when you do, whatever destination it is you are hoping to reach, if God walks with you and takes you through, there will be no destination beyond your reach.

To the graduating class of 2006, I will meet you at the top, and nowhere else!

from this day on, hopefully

2006-06-05T17:56:00.000+08:00

finally, finally, finally! i mustered enough will power to go back to gym. last time i set foot there was when i crammed my training for our mount kinabalu climb. that was exactly one year and one month ago. i have been wanting to go back but there have been just so many reasons not to. excuses, i mean. too hectic a schedule in the mornings. too early to leave the house. too much hospital work to do. too many patients to round.

i actually did not pre-plan to go back to gym today. i did not even have my gym bag ready the night before. but as soon as i woke up, i just felt the urge to do so. it was pretty weird. i headed straight to the bathroom for my morning ritual and changed not to hospital work clothes but gym clothes! my husband was still half asleep, and didn't even notice i did. otherwise, he would have wondered if he woke up on a wednesday (my semi-off personal day) instead of busy, busy monday. i felt proud of myself. i figured half the battle was won after getting dressed and being on my way to the gym.

i was late for the 7:30 am step/hi-lo class. my classmates were 15 minutes into the session already and building up speed. i decided not to join them. i felt i needed practice after being away for so long. i'd probably get my legs entangled trying to catch up with the then fast-paced routine, and worse, fall flat on my face. i decided to get on the rowing machine and people-watch as i sweated it out. the former 80's ramp model, some young working girls, a few fulltime housewives living charmed lives, a couple of matrons in body-hugging garb... those were my former classmates. it was incredible to watch the same people, directed by still the same teacher, sieg, and still aerobicizing religiously with gusto to the same music. talk about staying power. i gotta hand it to them all!

one of them approached me wide-eyed, astonished,
"doktora, wow, you're back!"
i smiled back at her, "oo nga, finally."
"what happened to you?" she asked.
and just to see her eyes widen all the more, i was tempted to retort,
"nanganak lang naman ako."
and then silently to myself, "mwa-ha-ha!!"

it was fun today. i almost forgot just how an early morning gym workout energized me before starting my work day. giving me an extra oomph, and bounce in my stride as i walked to the hospital from the gym. hopefully, tomorrow again. and the next day after that. and the next...

a year of jots

2006-05-31T19:55:00.000+08:00

today i celebrate one year of blogging.

just itty bitty jots
of thoughts i want to remember
of feelings i yearn to rekindle
of fears i dared to conquer
of lessons learned i hope to pass on
of life dreams i long to realize.

just itty bitty jots
to look inwards
to come out and share
to make me sane
to trap precious time
to cherish the moment.

just itty bitty jots
from innermost me
and for you
who cared to read
all year long
thanks much.

for mara

2006-05-21T07:05:00.000+08:00

hi ate mara!
bump-bump-bump-
snort!!

ROQUE'S SCRAWL IN FAVORITE PURPLE

#4

2006-05-18T17:11:00.000+08:00

roque was born with a thick mop of hair. and so was our daughter arianna. and so was my husband. and so was i.

by the time he reached a year old, he has had five haircuts. that's how fast his hair grows. and imagine, it grows lengthwise as well as sideways. i have always dreamed of him sporting a crewcut ever since he was a toddler. i think his head was shaped wonderfully and he was cute enough to carry that cut. but my husband and daughter would not hear of it. three months ago, he started going to the barber with my husband. before then, it was always a major production as my mom's hairdresser would cut his hair. he would sit on my lap, fidget undlesslessly and in the end it would seem as if both of us had a haircut. with the barber, he would sit still the whole time, waiting patiently for the ritual to end. the trips to the barber was something he looked forward to, as he felt priveledged to be going to the barber just like one of the big boys. just him and his dad bonding. he even memorizes the name of his barbers. there have been three so far... marvi, luis and noel.

bless barber noel! with razor #4, he has finally fulfilled my simple dream. voila! i am right, roque's head has a wonderful shape indeed, perfectly round without bumps or corners. and yes, he now looks like a cuter, naughtier imp. when he's sweaty, i see millions of itsy bitsy glistening beads through his hair pores instead of sweat-plastered hair. when i run my fingers through his hair, it feels like touching fresh evenly-cut grass. but the best part of it all is that not only i, love the crewcut. roque exclaims proudly to me, "i love my hair!"

i hereby donate

2006-05-12T18:53:00.000+08:00

the back of my driver's license reads:
"i hereby donate [ ] any organ
[ ] specific organ ______________
upon my death"
and so does yours.
on that line, i ticked "[ ] specific organ" and scribbled "corneas".
i have another card from the eye bank foundation that says "eye donor".

for many years now i have kept those in my wallet, not really thinking twice that i would like to donate my corneas in case i become brain dead.

but what about my other organs which could also be transplanted? why didn't i write them down?

the plight of my med school classmate made me think about organ donation seriously. she has been on hemodialysis for end-stage renal disease for almost ten years now. a successful kidney transplant is the definitive management for her illness. in the meantime, without a suitable donor, she has to spend an arm and a leg for her regular hemodialysis to tide her over.

one would think that among her relatives, there would be one willing to be a donor. the best source of any organ to be transplanted would be a relative because the risk of tissue rejection is lowest. apparently her brother intially agreed to give one of his kidneys but later on back out. for what reason, i don't know. it seems selfish of him not to help his sister at this time of desperate need. she is my age, with the same hopes and dreams of a bright future ahead. but then again, truth is, being a living organ donor is quite frightening... going under a knife even if one is perfectly well, waking up after the surgery with one organ less, and thoughts of being less healthy because of it. there are real risks involved and subjecting one's self through these for another person is really quite a sacrifice.

admittedly, it is when one is still alive and well with hopes of still being strong and healthy in the future, when it is difficult to give up something anatomically. i guess when i am about to die, it will really not matter that i give my organs other than my corneas. put in that perspective, yes, i can now actually tick "[ ] any organ" at the back of my driver's license.

but being a living organ donor is another story. i hope to god i do not even have to think twice about being one for any of my loved ones in case any of them needs one. i imagine myself in that situation and i want to be able to say that i will be willing to make that sacrifice. i know the force which will drive me is loving that person enough to not want to lose him or her. and i know the force which will strengthen me is remembering that this sacrifice is miniscule, almost nothing, compared to that of laying down one's life to save humanity.

wednesday group

2006-05-10T16:59:00.000+08:00

"FARM"
Arianna
Acrylic 14.5"x20"

"ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ"
Interaction\Roque & Mom
Acrylic 9.5"x12"

i love, love wednesdays

my midweek work hiatus
at times productive
at times just rest
but always with my kids
that's what makes it
the best!

doctor-of-the-house

2006-05-09T10:25:00.000+08:00

for the past week, my two children were sick almost simultaneously. arianna was down with high fever and colds for three days followed by diarrhea, which we thought was viral.

in the morning as i left for work, i told roque,
"please take care of "ate" while mom is away.
you will be the doctor-of-the-house, ok?"

and he happily obliged,
"sure, mom! i will take care of ate."

he felt proud to be in charge.

when i got home, he reported to me,
"ate went to the toilet so many times today."

arianna was pooping eight times a day and not eating too well. and then roque started to have fever and colds. after four days and a stool exam, it turned out arianna's diarrhea was not viral and she had to take antibiotics for it.

so medicines, i bought for both children. they were a study in contrast as not surprisingly they always are. roque downed his syrup from the medicine cup, licked his lips as if it was an ice cream moustache. then he poured a bit of water to swirl the leftover medicine coating the cup, and slurped it with gusto. i guess it tasted good. arianna, however, prefers the capsule or tablet form. but this time, the size of this one scared her. needless to say, it was even more difficult with her expecting not to be able to swallow it, hyperventilating and crying in fear at the same time.

just then, her brother doctor-of-the-house, roque, muttered,
"c'mon ate, my eardrums are hurting!"
talk about being a caring, empathizing and supportive doctor
... tsk.... tsk.

so after what seemed to be endless waiting and coaxing,
she finally downed the tablet successfully.
and roque exclaimed, "good job, ate!"
well, at least he appreciated her efforts.

several things about being a good physician, among other things... availability, eagerness to help, impeccable monitoring, setting a good example, patience, empathy, reassurance, appreciation. five out of eight ain't bad for this doctor-of-the-house.

dr. dado

2006-05-03T18:59:00.000+08:00

i would have wanted my husband to blog about this story. but he doesn't blog. so i decided to blog about it lest i forget it. it is his story.

he works with children who have eye tumors. for some reason, these children get quite attached to him. it may be because he looks like a kid himself, plays with them, and is naturally nice to them in his sincere desire to help them.
kyle, a three year old kid, was one of his patients whom he has been treating since infancy. he is an only child of a young couple, diagnosed just like his other patients, to have a congenital malignant tumor of the eye. his was bilateral. as if this was not enough, kyle was abandoned by his father, who could not take on the challenges of the situation. fortunately, kyle's loving mother more than made up for his father's weakness and loss.
one eye was removed early on to prevent the tumor from spreading. the vision of the other eye he tried to save with chemotherapy. all throughout the months which stretched to years, kyle and his mother would visit my husband for check-ups. my husband would describe him as "amoroso", so "malambing" because kyle never fails to hug him each time they visit. though kyle was compliant with the treatments, his remaining eye whose vision was saved, eventually had to be removed as well because of poor response. their succeeding visits were quite painful and difficult for my husband, as kyle would say, "wala ng ilaw." for kyle though, it seemed everything remained the same except for this darkness. for at this time, instead of reaching out to hug my husband, kyle would just grope in the dark, feel for him and then hug him.
the unfortunate inevitable happened several weeks ago, the tumor spread to kyle's brain. the bulge on his scalp which kyle's mom hoped was just because of a bump, was also a tumor spread. simultaneously, many questions haunted my husband. should have i done this or that? what if i did this, could i have prevented the rapid spread? did i do everything right? tormenting. the kid had gotten too weak for any treatment and upon advise, went home to spend his remaining days with his family. they continued to be in touch with my husband. a few days at home, my husband received a text from kyle's mom that kyle wanted to see him. he just wanted to tell my husband, "dr. dado, love ko kayo." still a few days later, kyle passed away.

it was sad, but an enlightening kind of sad. at that moment, my husband realized he did everything he could. and i would like to think, maybe even more. i know he has touched the life of kyle in an indescribable way. he was just a vessel of our lord, the healer of all healers. and so was kyle. our lord spoke back to him through kyle. "dr. dado, my dear child, i love you."

between 4 & 70

2006-05-02T17:27:00.000+08:00

how truly wonderful
it is
to share the same passion

within & transgeneration

between father and daughter twice over
between husband and wife
between father and son-in-law
between father and son
between mother and daughter
between mother and son
between sister and brother

between grandfather and grandchildren
at most between four and seventy
years spanned six plus sixty!

diamond earring

2006-04-23T18:08:00.000+08:00

i am coming as a diamond earring. because i know i am precious in god's eyes. as the diamond is multifaceted, i am a multi-tasker. just like this diamond has a tiny bubble, i am imperfect. these facets in my life are the many roles that i play and the many dreams that i have in this world. all these tug at me and pull me in many directions day to day. are some of them excess baggage, which slow me down in my spiritual life journey? should i in fact give up? will doing so take away my existential ache? will giving up make it all simple and make me focus on my inner core?

i realize that everything that i am now is not from my own doing. indeed, god created me and blessed me with whatever i have. he granted me with opportunities to serve different people in various capacities. he has prepared me and led me to where i am now. nothing is circumstantial. nothing is mine, except the responsibility to persevere and make good of what he has already granted me.

the grace to see through the clutter creates such an impact on me. it is amazingly overhwelming. it allows me to release my baggage of unmet expectations or fear of dreams unfulfilled. it helps me to peacefully live in the situation i am in, to find beauty in the present. it reminds me to trust that a joy-filled future is not entirely in my hands.

i come out still as a diamond earring. still multi-faceted, still imperfect. but now with the light of lights shining on it. a diamond is nothing in darkness. a diamond needs light for it to sparkle. even with its imperfections, its many facets could possibly multiply this light a hundred-fold, casting its glow serenely on others.

thank you dear god, my light of lights, for confirming that i can do all things with you who strengthen me.

to arianna

2006-04-17T22:21:00.000+08:00

i gave birth to you early easter monday morning eleven years ago.

now i see you grow and i watch you with anticipation, with fear, with hope.

i pray that you will,

always be childlike

continue to ask questions

accept your weaknesses

realize your strengths and potentials

strive to be the best that you can ever be

be inspired to make a difference

never lose touch with family

never be wanting of real friends

find everlasting love and true happiness

be humbled and thankful for all your blessings

multiply your blessings by sharing them with others

happy birthday to you,

my dearest arianna.

easter song

2006-04-16T21:01:00.000+08:00

we had some relatives from abroad whom we have not seen for ages, over for easter lunch today. it was a welcome reunion particularly with two elderly aunts whom we saw a lot of when we lived in philly. after eight years, they have gotten visibly older and quite frail-looking though still pretty much independent in their 70s.

we gathered around to pray before the meal.

arianna, read a short blessing from the box of card prayers as she usually does when we have guests over. father of love, send your grace upon us that we may have joy in each other; and having lived together in love here on earth, we may live forever with you in your eternal kingdom.

tita cora followed, praying in thanksgiving. thank you dear god for the gift of bringing us together after so many years, for the gift of family relationships which is forever, for the gift of love for each other, for the gift of health, and for the gift of easter, which is hope.

immediately after that, before everyone could head for the buffet, came a little voice, "my turn!" it sounded excited. it sounded eager. without any prodding, it was roque. and just like how he does it when we pray before meals as a nuclear family, he clasped his hands, closed his eyes tight, and sang his prayer. put your hands together we will pray, close your eyes. god is great and god is good. let us thank him for our food. and to that, everyone answered in unison. amen!

his unexpected prayer came at the perfect time as if on cue. it was just so apt, for it was certainly a prayer said before meals. it was refreshing because it came from a child who took the initiative to pray out loud, breaking into song, infront of many. it is true as most truths are brought forth with spontaneity. for indeed, god is great, and he is good. and singing this is like praying and praising him double.

what gives?

2006-04-10T17:55:00.000+08:00

what does this really mean? roque, once again, amazes me with his new one-liner, "what gives?"

because he is able to use it in different situations he is in, i am able to get what he means...

the computer won't play his cd and he says, "what gives?"
i laugh at something and he says, "what gives, mom?"
we're stuck in traffic for a long time and he says, "what gives?"

each time, he says this together with upward rolling of his eyeballs and bringing his hands palms up to shoulder level.

so i guess it means "why?... "what's the reason for this or that?"

oh well, after so many times he's delivered that line, i can finally answer him, "because!"

just to pick his brain the way he picks mine.

vowel prayers

2006-04-09T21:22:00.000+08:00

a - you are the almighty god
e - you are emmanuel
i - i believe in you
o - you are the omega, the beginning, and the end
u- u love us very much

My Vowel Prayers
Arianna, 10
Faith Factor Summer Camp
04.06.2006

ready for camp?

2006-03-31T21:51:00.000+08:00

my friend and sister, a veteran in sending her three children to numerous summer camps inspires me to write about my own summer camp thoughts...

unlike her, it will be my first time to send my unica hija arianna out to summer camp on her own next week. i heard a lot about this particular summer camp and wanted her to join last year. she was nine then and refused to join. my husband and i even thought of serving in the camp just to encourage her to go. we wanted her to join but did not really want to force her to. when we told her we will serve if she joins, she was literally in tears, torn between not wanting to go and not wanting to disappoint us. so of course that was the end of our discussion last year and we had no choice but to wait a year and just hope that she would finally join the following year.

the following year has come. this time when i asked her about it, she just asked me when and simply said yes, no ifs or buts. it seems after a year, she is really ready to join. it is but a week to go before we send her off away on the bus and for three nights and four days to a new place with new people. i waited for a year for her to be ready. but now that she is, i don't think i am that ready. i know it will be fun. i know it will be a great learning experience for her. but i feel i was more ready last year. and maybe it's just because it is going to happen now for the first time, for sure, and soon.

i feel like i want to start packing her things for her because i want to make sure she has everything she needs and even more, for the just in case this, just in case that. it is as though doing so will lessen my anxiety thinking i will be preparing her well for camp. but i know i should stop myself from doing that. i have to trust that she can take care of herself and will be alright before, during, and after camp.

i have to be ready just as much as she is, for her camp.

fragile youth

2006-03-29T22:27:00.000+08:00

lest we forget . . .

All parents damage their children.

It cannot be helped.

Youth, like pristine glass,

absorbs the prints of their handlers.

Some parents smudge, others crack.

A few shatter childhoods completely

into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.

-The Five People You Meet in Heaven

by Mitch Albom

big school for the big boy

2006-03-24T21:09:00.000+08:00

today was the big day. my son roque, 4, was going to be assessed whether or not he will be accepted into his big sister's big school. mom was of course anxious. and who wouldn't be? a few days before, i was told by the school admissions officer that they had very limited slots for his level, as in one or two slots left! oh my.

i primed roque about the assessment the night before the big day.
me: we will go to ate's school tomorrow and meet one of her teachers.
roque: yipee! can i go to the playground?
me: surely, after you meet the teacher, ok?
roque: why?
me: because the teacher will show you the classroom and toys there before going to the playground, ok?
roque: ok-- whatever.

that morning, i made sure he had his favorite hawaiian polo shirt on, with his "big" pants ("i don't like short pants, mom!"), and his basketball shoes which he loved. packed some snacks, a thermos of calamansi juice which he liked and extra clothes in his backpack, as if he was just going to his old nursery school.

roque was welcomed by the school admissions officer with a handshake, and "what's your name?" to that, he immediately answered in his usual low monotone, "i'm roque." as he extended his left hand and then his right to shake hands, he mumbles "it's supposed to be the right." just then teacher miguel, who will do the assessment, was introduced to him. to my relief, roque agreed to go with him without me. whew!! the twenty minutes or so which followed as i waited for the assessment to end seemed so much longer. when they finally returned, roque had a big smile on his face. i asked, "did you have fun?" and he says, "yes, i wrote on the chalkboard!" teacher miguel said he was quite pleased with roque, who was excitable and cheerful. he made him do various tasks which roque willingly did. however, he noticed that roque easily got frustrated with a buttoning activity which he found difficult to do. he was quite impressed though to find out that roque already knew how to read and spell a lot of words. and when he wanted to check if roque also knew his numbers, he told him to write the number 10 on the chalkboard. to that, roque scribbled "T E N" and "10" under the word... end of assessment.

before we left the big school that morning, the admissions officer handed me the acceptance letter.

i was ecstatic of course.
me: so it was fun, huh?
roque: yes!
me: so you want teacher miguel to be your teacher next year?
roque: maybe.

leaving soon

2006-03-10T00:09:00.000+08:00

i see his
scattered clothes
emptied shoe racks
papers and documents
bubble-wrapped artworks
boxes and boxes

i see him
pack his stuff
tie up loose ends
bid friends goodbye
visit superlolo
hug my kids tight

i feel his
hope
angst
excitement
sadness
anticipation

i pray for his
safety
happiness
success
peace of mind
fullness of heart and soul

happy mail

2006-02-28T08:34:00.000+08:00

gosh, i have not received this much mail... not since i started getting connected to classmates of way back when. just a couple of days not opening my mailbox, and i'm in the red. full to the limit. some messages even bouncing.

i did not realize how exciting it is to connect, reminisce, and update each other, from different parts of the world, after almost twenty five years. i have forgotten how much fun it was back then, when things were simple. when we just had to go to school to study and learn and cultivate friendships. and how much more enjoyable it is now to relive these memories and re-establish these friendships. it is amazing how some could remember minute details of past events, as if they had just happened yesterday. so vividly, in full living color. some of which are embarrassing, outrageous, unbelievable, hilarious. i find myself almost falling off my seat in front of the computer, laughing my heart out. and then my daughter goes, "what's so funny, mom?" and i can't stop laughing like how i did way back then.

each day i look forward to opening my mailbox, lest my server warns me i'm in the red again. most of all i look forward to opening my mailbox to be reminded of happy memories which never fail to make me smile. and most often bring out a hearty laugh from within me.

more than earthly dreams

2006-02-20T20:10:00.000+08:00

why is it that the poor of the poor
suffer in the heat for days and days
only to be crushed
with their dreams?

why is it that the simple and innocent
go on with their daily work and study
only to be buried
with their dreams?

i cannot imagine it is to punish
the victims of such calamities
severe and unexpected
man-made or by mother nature.

i imagine it is to enlighten
those who are left behind
to respond as they should
to act, to help, and to pray.

i imagine it is his way to save
the victims, his beloved children
from their earthly gods and suffering
to grant them much more than their dreams.

valentine's gift

2006-02-14T23:34:00.000+08:00

more than my favorite carnations
more than a box of belgian chocolates
more than a quiet candlelit dinner
more than a romantic get-away

this valentine's day
was more than all those
but just what and how
i had prayed it would be

as today i am free
of my fear
of my anxiety
of my insecurity

nothing else really matters
much more than
this freedom

thank you god
for my valentine's gift

calm me

2006-02-10T14:56:00.000+08:00

calm me
as i worry
because i am a doctor
and i think of the worst

calm me
as i am anxious
because i am human
and i am afraid of pain

calm me
as i am insecure
because i am your child
and i have little faith

12 reasons on our 12th year

2006-02-05T23:54:00.000+08:00

1 because you accept me for what i am
2 and yet you encourage me to be the best that i can be
3 because you are hardworking to be able to provide
4 and yet you are so lovingly present as a father to our kids
5 because you are a man of few words
6 and yet you fill me with affection
7 because you are practical and realistic
8 and yet you dare to dream big with me
9 because you are my best friend
10 and you have made the past 12 years the best ever
11 because you are a loyal witness to my life
12 which bound with yours, is complete

family prayer

2006-02-02T21:30:00.001+08:00

thank you god for blessing us
with the gift of
l i f e & l o v e .
bless each of us with
c h a r a c t e r
to live our lives
with a collective purpose
to make each other
h a p p y .

help us to appreciate
all that we have.
to be
c o n t e n t ,
g r a t e f u l &
p r o u d
in a grateful pride
that strives to be
m o r e
w o r t h y .

why, why now?

2006-01-30T23:40:00.000+08:00

i just got a super wonderful text today, "hey sister... i'm pregnant."

wow! after trying for what seemed like a million years and one special child.
with endless prayers and buckets of blood, sweat and tears.
and finally coming to terms that maybe another child was not meant to be.
and now that everything is coming up roses with career of mother-again-to-be.
but moving up the corporate ladder meant moving to another country.
which means having to adjust and possibly encountering more stress .
it does not seem the best time. nor the best of circumstance.

and we ask, why? why now?

no one knows why or why now.
except the giver of life who knows why and why now.
and the master planner who knows exactly when and how.
when he says now, he knows the best time is indeed now.

and finally, the best time has finally come for you, sister.

kids say the darnest

2006-01-27T08:19:00.000+08:00

over dinner, roque was animatedly relating to dad the events of the day before.

roque: we went to the supermarket yesterday, dad.
dad: what did you buy there?
roque: creams!
dad: ice cream?
roque: creams! (his favorite sandwich cookies)
dad: oh!
roque: and then i had to go up to make wee-wee. the alligator had buttons and i pressed them.
dad: huh?
roque: the alligator opened and then we went in. and then it closed. and then we went up where i made wee-wee.
dad: ?????
mom (to the rescue): you mean elevator!
roque: ohhh, yes! elevator.
dad: so you made wee-wee?
roque: yes, and i shake (you know, his thingy...) at the end of my wee-wee.
dad: did you go inside the boys' room?
roque: yup! the boys' room.
dad: you went inside the boys' room with mom??!?
roque: uh... um... oh no. it was the girls' room... heh-heh, sorry!
dad: heh-heh!
roque: and then when i finished wee-wee, we went again to the alligator.

the big 7-0

2006-01-22T23:49:00.000+08:00

my dad turned the big 7-0 today. for me, each new year is a milestone but the big 7-0 is of course bigger than the other milestones. we decided to give him a simple party with close family and friends. it was never like him to want to have a party for himself. but of course the party was so we could honor him in front of people who are dear to us. besides, seventy years is way long overdue.

thank you, dad...

for your wisdom, when i asked you if i could marry janice, you said "just do it"... for telling us we remind you that jesus loves you----------eric

for teaching me (in not so many words), to excel in all things... and for marrying mom who nags me to do so----------randy

for allowing me to marry my soulmate, who is a lot like you... for the selfless caring that we witness between you and mom... and for your wisdom unspoken which i hear loud and clear----------melissa

for 42 years of bliss, for 3 wonderful kids, for 2 beautiful grandchildren, for one happy family... for making me laugh and being my best friend----------mom

love you, dad.
happy birthday!

snortykiss

2006-01-14T07:05:00.000+08:00

for some reason, my son roque, now four years old, would prefer to be kissed instead of kiss relatives and friends as a greeting. he would offer his head, and very occasionally his cheek. i don't know why. i could only guess that maybe it's because he used to get overwhelmed when he was kissed so "brutally", with gusto, with much "gigil"...

i feel so embarrassed when our family is in a gathering and all the other children readily greet the adults with a kiss whereas roque has to be prodded to do so. when we're lucky, he would offer his head willingly. but when someone sneakily steals a kiss on him, he would wipe it off immediately. sometimes with a grunt and a frown from him, or worse, he would mutter, "gross!" aaargh! i feel like being swallowed up by the earth those times. i psych myself up, it must be a stage, part of exerting his individuality and control... but still.

lately though, i accidentally discovered a technique to turn this around. we were rough playing one time and i suddenly snorted on his cheek. he laughed his usual belly laugh and snorted back at my cheek. then he goes, "can i kiss you on your nose?" then he snorted on my nose. more belly laughs. "can i kiss you on your chin?" snort-snort. more belly laughs. and we kept on snorting each other to my delight and his.

so now my usual sniffykiss is reserved for arianna. and my new snortykiss is for roque.

24K

2006-01-11T22:59:00.000+08:00

thoughts of my high school classmates come to my mind now, just a few days before our class reunion. for the past couple of years, some of my classmates have organized mini get-togethers and got some fundraising activities going in preparation for our 25th year this coming 2007. an e-group has been set-up to facilitate communications among us and it has been quite a delight reading about what has been going on with each other here and abroad. this year, being our 24th year since our graduation, our forthcoming reunion was dubbed "after 24 years... batch '82 celebrates 24K style". and the e-mail announcement continues, "attire: white, accessories: gold".

i almost fell off my seat as i read my e-mail. it sure made me feel like a golden girl. ohmigosh! i never thought i would have to wear something like that to the reunion. that is really sooo dated... as in, do we really have to rub it in, girls? no doubt it will soon segue to class rehearsals for our grand 2007 production number which definitely will include song and dance numbers of our circa, the marvelous 80s. i can imagine it all now. i hear our heart thumping music. i see us wearing the costumes and dancing the groovy steps...

that's my mind racing fast-forward. stop. for now, i am really excited to see my classmates. the headcount is amazing and it just proves everyone is excited to see everyone else. considering it has been more than two decades, i look forward to lots of catching up on each others' lives. i expect there will be plenty of shrieks and squeals of laughter as we see how we have changed, and as we reminisce about our past experiences. it should be loads and loads of fun. so i refuse to be the corny one. of course, i will wear the required white attire and the gold accessories to match. we certainly have all gotten older but getting together again will certainly take us back in time, to enjoy ourselves while we feel as young, maybe even as immature, and as carefree as we were then.

river and life

2006-01-07T10:25:00.000+08:00

you never run the same river twice.

the other day, my husband i went on our first adventure for year 2006. quite early yes, but we just had to do it. so off we went with a few of our good friends with the same adventurous souls as ours, up north where we went white water rafting along the chico river.

there we met anton, who has made a lifestyle change, to move to the bundoks, to do what he enjoys doing and share this passion with others. this he does while providing livelihood to the natives and shaping the way they care for our environment. this he has been doing for the past seven years.

through our brief two-day encounter with anton, we learned much about the river for the very first time, how it behaves and how we should behave in response to it. we rafted through areas of quiet waters where we just relaxed, sat back and enjoyed its sheer calmness. we also rafted through little ripples into which we jumped from out of the raft, laid back and swam with the flow down river. and then we rafted through areas of strong rapids where we paddled forward with excitement and as much strength as we could muster. our adrenalin levels shot up as the river dangerously lifted our raft up and tilted it sideways, taunting us to keep ourselves within the raft until we have passed through the challenging rapids successfully and rafted back into calm waters. in a way, it is a microcosm of life. the path from up river to down river is a series of quiet waters, gentle ripples and rough rapids. we were taught to run the river with understanding, with care, with respect, and with love for what it gives us. just as how we should live life.

the constantly changing environment affects how the river behaves so it is never the same. and thus, you never run the same river twice. there is no set formula how to run its path. like life, there is no set formula how to live it. it is the same life through the years but the experiences through the years are never the same. it is the greatest adventure of all.

pasasalamat

2005-12-31T07:41:00.000+08:00

sa katapusan nitong taon
lubos ang aking pasasalamat
sa dami ng biyayang natanggap
sa kabilia ng mga pagsubok.

pagmamahalan naming mag-asawa
pag-unlad ng mga anak
at pagmamahalan nila sa isa't isa
kalusugan ng mga magulang
at mga nakakatandang kamag-anak
kaligayahang dulot ng pamilya
at ng mga kaibigang tunay
hanapbuhay na matiwasay
mga pagsusulit na nalampasan
pagkakataong makatulong sa iba
pag-asa sa bayan at sa kapwa
pag-alaala at pagbibigay puri sa diyos
kapanatagan ng loob dahil sa kanya.

sa pagsapit ng umaga, at ng bagong taon
laganap ang awa at biyaya ng diyos.

gifts

2005-12-27T12:25:00.000+08:00

it has been several months now since i realized that we were meant to stay. this country is for us, and we are for this country. i realized that a lot of people have been doing their own little share to make this country better. i was amazed to find out that there are so many various foundations and non-government organizations which have projects here and there to help different marginalized sectors of society. and so there is hope. i would like to believe that there is. if we are staying put, then there should be. i had an intense urge to make this feeling known and encourage others to feel the same.

thus, my gifts for this christmas to some of our good friends, who decided to stay despite the adversities and difficulties of our times, in our place under the sun.

cacao filipina cacao balls from beans grown and processed in batangas

book 12 little things every filipino can do to help our country by alex lacson

shirt printed on it the philippine flag with the words tahanan ng aking lahi

the three things i wanted to impart through these are the real gifts.

cacao balls for support of what is filipino, a great filipino product judged superior to even ghirardelli. and there are still many others.

book for hope and positivism. also for simple concrete things we can do within our capacity to make our country better. it is possible.

shirt for a constant reminder of exactly what it says... that this is our home. that we should love it enough to take care of it, so we can be truly proud of it.

from the book i quote, this stirring realization which pierces deep, that is "our country yearns for love from its people." it is true and it is sad. but it is a challenge too.

to give and to receive

2005-12-24T15:09:00.000+08:00

it truly has been a busy month. christmas season is the busiest for me, preparing for the celebration of the season itself. with all the gift hunting and gift giving, merry-making and socializing... busy, busy, busy... such that i have not had the time to blog for almost a month now.

they say it is not the gift that counts, but the thought. that people give something, even just a text message, or a cheerful greeting to remind one that he or she is being thought of this season, should be enough. the reason for this season expects nothing more but that we remember him and why we celebrate christmas.

as for us, the best would be
to give and not remember that you did
so you do not expect anything in return
and
to receive and not forget that you did
so you are forever grateful.

and i don't mean just in giving gifts, but in anything you do.

conversation 2

2005-11-29T22:47:00.000+08:00

a sequel to "unplanned conversation"

after my inital consult with my patient who had slashed her wrists, i visited her almost daily. her wounds have healed well. she was doing pretty good with her therapy. she was now able to use her hands. and i am quite happy. she seemed less anxious about her meds, as to how long she had to take them, or whether she would get addicted to them. for the first time, she did not ask or complain to me about them.

so masaya ka ba sa improvement ng mga kamay mo?
oo, doc. okay naman. bakit ngayon lang kayo?
dumaan ako kanina, pero tulog ka pa.
ah, kayo pala yon.
so kumusta ka na?
sabi ng psychiatrist ko, baka pwede na ako mag-out-on-pass. okay ba yon?
aba siyempre. ibig sabihin, may tiwala siya sa iyo na lumabas ka ng ospital kahit isang araw.
eh bakit hindi nalang niya ako pauwiin?
trial lang muna. ganoon talaga.
i see another patient walk by.
sino yon?
si carla yan. palaging nagsisigarilyo. pero madaldal yan.
so friends kayo?
oo, palagi niya akong kinakausap.
that's good.
kahapon nga nagdasal kami.
wow, talaga? i couldn't believe my ears.
oo, nag-rosaryo kami. pero yung tatlong mysteries lang. kasi yung "of the light" hindi ko kabisado.
okay lang yon. ako din eh.

more than how her physical injuries were healing, i was ecstatic about how she was healing inside. emotionally and spiritually.

bed of roses

2005-11-27T07:21:00.000+08:00

there is something so very refreshing seeing a newly married couple dance the night away during their wedding celebration. they have sticky stares only for each other. their arms wrapped around each other no matter what music is playing. smiling with a lot of emotion, with promises of love, happiness and togetherness forever and ever.

oh if only married couples could look back at their own wedding day and re-live the feelings and promises of that magical moment. married life is indeed a bed of roses. and real roses have thorns. the marriage may be blissful but there are challenges to be faced. some sacrifices to be made. some hurt along the way. all these make it difficult for couples to look back on that beautiful wedding day. truth is, it is not even enough to re-live the magic of that day when thorns get in the way. it takes more than looking back. what is important is to take care of the now to better the later. through the years, husband and wife grow and change. their love may even take another form. what is essential is that the love is there, shown and expressed through word and deed. thoughtfulness, affection, understanding, respect, and even willingness to forgive. love should be nurtured to grow and cope with change. only then will it be easier to look back and re-live the magic of years and years ago. to dance again like there's nobody watching. then celebrate the real magic which is staying together.

unplanned conversation

2005-11-22T15:59:00.000+08:00

yesterday, a middle aged woman was referred to me for rehab after hand surgery. she has had major depression for the past two months. two weeks ago, she slashed both her wrists.

i spent time with her more than i planned to. it was getting late and i was just supposed to take a look at her injuries and be off as soon as i decide on what therapy needs to be done. but she asked me lots of questions unrelated to what i was there to help her with. she was frustrated with her meds which knock her off. she says all her shrink is concerned about is her sleep, sleep, sleep. to my surprise, i carried on the conversation with her and felt like i was her shrink.

as if assessing why i was called to see her
and if i could actually be of any help, she asked me,
may nagamot ka na bang ibang tao na kagaya ko?

oo, madami-dami na din.

e bakit sila nag-slash ng kamay?

iba-ibang rason. may katulad ng sa iyo.

i asked her why she slashed her wrists.

wala na kasi akong pag-asa sa buhay.

i was amazed to hear myself telling her,

ang ganda-ganda ng mundo natin at

masarap mabuhay sa mundo na

ginawa ni god para sa atin.

hindi na ako naniniwala e. dahil mukhang
nakalimot na siya.

hindi siya nakakalimot.

tayo lang ang laging nakakalimot.

siguro hindi ka na nagdadasal, ano?

hindi na nga.

kaya naman pala. o sino sa palagay mo ang nakalimot?

she did not answer.
and for a split-second i thought i offended her.

promise mo sa akin, magdadasal ka tonight?

bibisita ka ba ulit dito bukas?

siyempre, kailangan ko tingnan ulit ang mga kamay mo.

sana ikaw nalang ang psychiatrist ko.

diet challenge

2005-11-20T22:32:00.000+08:00

nothing fried. no pork.
no bottomdwellers.
chicken alright but skinless.
beef, boiled, roasted or baked only.
vegies and fruits yes. but not all fruits.
rice not together with meat.
unleavened bread yes. yeast no.
msg a sin. salt to a minimum.
junk like chips forget it.
soda absolutely not.
coffee not good. tea only green.
alcohol red wine.
juice only natural.
water ad libitum.

and the list goes on.
seems unreal. and impossible.
will i experience the joy of eating again?
for health, i will try and see.